Stressed, pained..

Dear Abba Father,

Today is my second day of migraine, stiff neck and shoulder, and a very sore back. I have not taken any medication for the past 6 years each time this migraine attacked me, and I still refuses to pop that famous wonder white pill called "Panadol" now.

Father God, I know my pain comes from my stress level that has reached an alarming level. That's how wonderful You are in creating my body's alarm system each time I stressed myself out by trying to fix or finish my tasks to perfection. Thank You Father, for a time of relief when I stopped everything and just entered into Your presence to rest. That 'Mary at Jesus' feet' moment.. so restful, so peaceful. Thank You Father God, thank You my Lord Jesus Christ, for hugging me tight in that resting moment. Thank You, I felt so loved. I am sorry, Father, for not coming to you sooner and forgetting that I am to be my best, not to be super perfect.

Dear Father God, I just pray that I can have a good rest tonight, knowing very well that I am loved by You and I will be okay and healed from this stress-induced migraine and pain. Thank You for my sister's suggestion to see a Christian sinseh if the pain persisted. Thank You for hearing my prayers, in Jesus' name I pray, amen.

The frequently asked question: "Why God, WHY?"

Dear God,

Here I am Father God, with lots of "whys" in my head right now... and I am trying to put my thought together in this post to the best of my ability...

Just about 2 weeks ago I poured out my heart to you about my work and colleagues, specifically on the website revamp project. I thought You gave me solid reason to leave the project team when the management revamped the organisation chart, and I saw the opportunity to distance myself from the run-a-way-train that is clearly heading towards disaster because that colleague refused to budge on letting the vendor do the job. I thought I had the victory... until yesterday. The victory is short-lived. Argh!!! Why God? Why??? SIGH... 

My manager called and spoke to me, telling me the team hit critical bump and cannot proceed without my input and involvement. What input, what involvement, Father? I already done all I can.. what else can I do when that person is not taking responsibility to do his part? I am in no position to tell him what to do, besides knowing that I was backstabbed by him and I am having a lot of things to do on my side and and... and my manager suggested for the tech team to be back in office to re-strategise... sigh...

Father, can I shout till I run out of breath? My chest is very tight, and I am fighting for air... gasp!

So today I went back to office, thinking I can just tell them bluntly I don't want to get involve in the project. I already planned in my head what to say, until I saw the text message forwarded by manager just before I leave my room: "Bro, I can't come office today cuz I slightly injured my feet, hard to walk. Can we conference once KL comes?". I was stumped, speechless. Should I go to office since he's not coming? More questions came flooding into my mind, bringing along anger + frustration + disbelieve + jaw-dropped + all sort of negative emotion reaction to the surface.

Oh God... what lesson You want me to learn from this? Are You trying to prepare me to lead this challenging person to complete the project, as a feather in my resume for my future position? Tough, this is sooooo tough!! I don't know if I am ready to go through the pain of being a leader again so soon...

I then discovered my car park card was terminated since June 2020 when I reached the office. Sigh... Still, I thank You Father, that I can claim my parking fee back. Slightly troublesome moving forward as I heard the entire organisation will no longer give us free parking, and we need to park at the open car park. Just need to make it a new habit to always carry and remember to take my umbrella when I go to office.

So Father, I met with my manager and after he filled in the gaps for me, since I did not attend several project meetings for the past 2 weeks, I drew on the board to see the big picture and what is the project current status. All I see on the board: TSUNAMI ALERT! Sound of emergency alarm blaring out of control screaming in my head... I can hear my head telling me "KL, you have to stop yourself from going further in the project, you cannot get involve, it's a disaster coming really big and you will be in dangerous zone of being blamed and backstabbed again!"

The lead developer colleague had nothing to show the project team he had started the project. Not even a skeleton site or process flow logic drawing while waiting for the final design and content from the Comms team. All I heard from the feedback over and over again was "I am not familiar/I need to do research". Why can't he just admit he can't do the work and tell the truth to everyone? I blurted out to my manager "Sorry, I can't help this project if he is still refuse to let the vendor do 80% and he do 20%". Gasp! What have I done? What did I just said?? What's going on in my head?! I should have just said I still won't come back to the team whether vendor or he do the work... KL, what happened to you?!

Trying to clear my mind, I just shared my experiences in running website development processes with my manager and convinced him to speak to the project sponsor: I don't see the project can meet the March 2021 deadline with the current situation and attitude issue with the lead developer. The project sponsor can see the problem after 2~3 times noticing his various contradicting statement on what he can or cannot do (hmm.. why can't my manager see it when I already told him months ago?), and in turn advised my manager to make firm decision to axe or keep him in the project.

3pm. Steering Committee meeting via con-call. I kept quiet throughout the meeting, observing what is going on and I was most interested to see how the lead developer reply to the questions raised at him. When the project manager shared on the timeline, he spotted "Website development and completion - 7 days". It's actually an oversight on the project manager as she accidently left out the backend development (35 days). He jumped on everyone, raising his voice to dispute the 7 days by justifying he cannot do the job and calling the timeline "crazy, absurd". Project Sponsor told him to take it offline with the tech team but he refused to listen and just kept protesting. I gestured to my manager not to make any comment but to say "we'll take this offline".

We told the lead developer to come back to office tomorrow for meeting, to iron out the issues and to reorganise the plan. I am now very doubtful if he will turn up. And if he turns up, Father God, I need Your help for both my manager and myself to tell the truth to him, that he seriously do not have the capability to carry the project. Unless he buck up, unless You give us the miracles, I honestly don't believe this guy can really do it.

The CEO came over to our island after the Steering Committee meeting, and after discovering the "lame" excuse of the lead developer not turning up for internal meeting in the morning, he sent out an email instructing the entire tech team to work in office until project completion. Father God, how will this work out in the end, only You know. I can only follow Your lead, and Father God, please help me to stand firm in my decision to tell the truth and not backing down from the pressure of pleasing people and I end up suffering in silence, in regret.

Ouch... Backstabbed!

 Dear Father God,

For some reasons from the very beginning I sensed I will face challenging time for taking the small role in my workplace's website revamp project. Today I found out I am being backstabbed and complained against by the lead developer. I was told he questioned my qualification in the web and technical matter and when I'm around, he's totally another person by saying yes when I says something. It sure hurts Father...I don't think I've overstep my role and boundary in this project. Perhaps it's a "time's up" call for me to leave the project team and just focus on my core role as business analyst instead?

The reason I am in this project team in the first place? They found out that:

• I had the experience of building websites from ground up.
• I had the opportunities to lead a team of wonderful people with skills superior than mine to work on massive web development projects for both big and small organisations across different industries. 

Apparently they had signed and tried to work with my former company 2 years back, but due to scope creep, they dropped the work and thus the management decided to do it in-house.

So, what's my role in this project team? It sounded very simple: I'm assisting the project manager and my manager in documenting the user requirement and assisting in overall architecture design especially in backend, besides providing advise as needed. In terms of hierarchy, I'm at the lowest rank and unless I am asked any questions, I won't be able to say anything even if I sensed something is not right. Simple question like "Hi, how's the progress going?" can be seen as overriding or hijacking the role the project manager, my manager and the lead developer, hence I am very careful with my words.

Honestly speaking Father, I do not know the background of this lead developer. I don't know how capable he is in web development. I didn't get to ask him how many years or how many projects he has done before. From the day 1 I met him in office (after the MCO is relaxed for us to return to office), he has been telling me and my manager how good he is and how he is capable to do the task. Sadly Father, I felt that he is lying to everyone. I noticed that he took a very long time to complete a simple programming request. If I may put my experience into that request, an experienced programmer would take at most 5 days to deliver with the help from the vendor who provided the API. Forgive me Abba God for my strong words: that freaking request he took more than 1 month to do, and to my carnal mind I wanted to shout "WTF!" or "WTH!" to him for all the bullshits he said.

With my manager, I suggested to him months before the start of the website revamp project kick-off meeting to get the development server and environment ready, at least replicating the current website's functionality from .NET to PHP since he said he can only do PHP. Even the manager agreed and tried to help him to get the things he needed. Oh ya, he said he will do the architecture design and share with us. Alas, with few more months to meet March 2021's deadline, nothing is here yet. When I was asked to present the project timeline to the management, I can hear their jaws dropped over the Teams meeting. With him as one-man-show, the project will end in July 2021 (provided he don't fall sick, never take leave, and knows exactly what he is doing). I was asked to realign the timeline to March 2021's deadline and to suggest what they should do to expediate the work. I told them the truth: engage a proper web development company to do it and then let our lead developer tag along so that he can take over for maintenance once the new website is launched. Their response? Dropping a coin into a deep well and dropping.. still dropping... helloooooooooo....? "Okay, Mr Manager, please proceed to look for vendor for quotation and report in the next meeting". Victory, yes? Father, I don't know.. the road looked really long ahead with no end in sight...

Father, until today there is nothing from the lead developer on this project. Manager's simple request to list down what he can do and what the vendor need to do often vanishes into the thin air, or is responded with the standard reply for the past few months "I can only do research and try to develop". I told my manager while I can list down every single thing what vendor and he should do, it will be disastrous for the entire team because he will place the blame on us for "making me do it when I don't know how to do". I declined to list the tasks for him.. again playing my "advisor" card carefully.

The last I heard, he started drinking again. The management knew he had this drinking issue and he went into rehab. Everyone thought he's turned a new leave when he rejoined the organisation but... sigh, Father, I won't comment about his problem because I know myself: who am I to judge him. Unless he encounter You personally and really surrender to You to change him from inside out like how I did to my life, his problem will resurface no matter how many times he go to rehab.

I told my project sponsor (this person is whom the project manager reports to) after the timeline presentation that we cannot afford to take risk with lead developer's erratic behaviour. I shared that while we need to love a person and give the necessary support, but when it comes to organisation's interest, we have to put aside emotion and be professional to bring the project to completion. Father God, I don't know how my project sponsor can understand, but I can only hope my message is clear enough for the management to do the right thing moving forward.

Sigh... dear Lord Jesus Christ, please speak to Your daughter on when to resign from this project team? Please help me Your daughter with the right words when I speak, I pray, and may the management accepts my reason to leave the team, in Your Name I ask and pray, amen.

Psalm 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path.
~ Psalm 119:105

I was having a conversation with sis Min not long ago when she shared how she is uncertain about her future after her graduation at the end of the year. She mentioned Psalm 119:105 and placed her trust in the Lord Jesus to lead her step by step, as she explained the distance that the light emitted from the lamp according to the ancient time is probably just a few feet away. The people back then can't see further or walk faster than the light's radius, and had to be careful to keep their lamp burning so they can see in the dark.

When she finished sharing, I told her about my memory of driving at night on the day my maternal grandfather passed away. I remembered waiting at KLIA for my aunt to arrive from Melbourne before picking up my uncle and his family from KLIA2 that night, and drove back to Kuala Lipis for the funeral. I remember it's already passed 10pm when I left the airports with them and drove rather fast along the highways as they were brightly lit up. Once I reached the Bentong-Kuala Lipis road, I had to slow down as large part of the route do not have street lights.

Father God was gracious to us after we passed Bentong town. A Mara bus (a term my mom and I used to describe express bus) was in front of us, driven rather fast by the bus driver. Taking the opportunity that he's paving the way in the dark, I followed closely behind him. When I saw his brake light, I stepped on my brake. When he turned to the side, I too, followed suit. That night the bus was probably at 130-140 km/h as my speedometer was showing 100 km/h at the top speed. It was about few kilometres away from Kuala Lipis' exit that the bus stopped for his rest, and I continued on knowing the roads ahead will have some lights on.

I shared with sis Min that the whole time of me following the bus reminded me of my daily walk to follow Jesus Christ closely. I don't always see my life ahead clearly, but Jesus, like the bus driver, He is paving His way for me. As long as I keep my eyes focused on Him, to love and obey Him, I won't be lost or afraid. This memory is a constant reminder for me each time I feels burdened or unsure of my days, that my Father God is there to guide me in His love and righteousness. All glory to Him alone, amen!

Hymn - He Leadeth Me

Verse 1 He leadeth me! O blessed thought, O words with heav’nly comfort fraught; Whate’er I do, where’er I be, Still ’tis Christ’s hand that leadeth me. Verse 2 Sometimes ’mid scenes of deepest gloom, Sometimes where Eden’s bowers bloom, By waters still, o’er troubled sea, Still ’tis His hand that leadeth me. Verse 3 Lord, I would clasp Thy hand in mine, Nor ever murmur or repine; Content, whatever lot I see, Since it is Thou that leadest me. Verse 4 And when my task on earth is done, When, by Thy grace, the vict’ry’s won, E’en death’s cold wave I will not flee, Since Thou in triumph leadest me.

Chorus: He leadeth me! He leadeth me! By His own hand He leadeth me; His faithful follower I would be, For by His hand He leadeth me.

Today this hymn popped up in my head as I work through my office assignments, and I remember singing this hymn the first during my Form 5's School Leavers' Service. It was and still my favourite hymn to-date. I thought of the words in the lyrics as I sang it with my teachers and school mates and pondered how my life would look like as we prepares for our SPM and life beyond school days. I don't remember what was shared in the service by the invited speaker, but I believed most of us dreamed of achieving a good education and good job that pays well, and to some getting married and have a good family. For me, I was hoping for my life to have university graduation and good job, followed by faithfully serving in church. Marriage and romance thingy were not in my mind at all.

Life after PESS was "lonely" for me because I suddenly "lost all" my friends. We don't have Internet or mobile phone and the ease of connecting at the tip of our fingers. I don't have the phone at home and the only way to call friends was via public phone which we don't see it anymore nowadays. Over the years I made new friends from workplaces and social activities that I joined. Thanks to Internet and some PESS friends' initiatives, we are connected again "virtually". I went for a few gatherings and I can see the gaps between us when we chatted. Everyone is busy with their own careers, businesses and families. For some of them who stayed near each other, their friendships are stronger and they can literally dominate the gathering until myself felt alienated. Now I hardly join their gatherings as I felt out-of-place, like a square peg. I still keep in touch with them but our interactions are very minimal.

Looking back in the past years, I really thank God for His grace and mercy to me even though I myself went to the wrong ways and yet, He still gently lead me back to Him and His will for me even when I don't see it. Yes, I may have felt lonely after my PESS days but my God have never leave me alone. Yes, I may have felt left out in the gatherings but He is always with me. I may have felt I "lost" my friends but Father God gives me new friends, and the best part is He gives me godly friends who is now my dearest friends that I can grow spiritually, share my deepest fear, funny dreams and greatest hopes with. I thank You Father, for You have and will always hold my hand and lead me home to You no matter what I go through in my life.

Reflection 20200608

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank You for Your grace and mercy towards me when I was struggling with my flesh, to which I woke up around 4am and prayed to You to help me overcome that sexual urge. Thank You Father for my mom that she made me memorises Psalm 23 when I was young, so that I can cling on to Your Word at all times when I am weak.

Thank You Lord Jesus for an interesting and blessed day today spent with my dear sisters Mic and Min. An hour walk at a taman near Mic's house was filled with good chats besides enjoying the nature around us. A roadside badminton was fun and we laughed most of the time as the wind blew the shuttlecock away from where we wanted it to go. I had a little sore arm as I have not played any game for years.

We went back to Mic's home and I thank You Father that her mom bought some home-made popiah and I had 1 roll. A little spicy for me, probably I haven't had my breakfast till then and I had 1 bowl of red bean soup to which I like the level of sweetness. Feeling full, I watched the 2 ladies eating their brunch and I wondered where have my appetite gone to as they had popiah+misua+kimchi+vege+eggs. Gone are the days of DBKL for me haha, and I give You thanks Father God for these good DBKL memories.

Thank You Father for a session of sharing and learning guitar from both Mic and Min. Thank You Lord for giving all of us voices to sing praises to You while playing our guitars. I pray that we will continue to improve our guitar skills and encounter Your love to us in our praise and worship to You with the help from Your Holy Spirit.

Thank You Father for giving me the chance to know Mic and Min better, by allowing me to enjoy today like a teenage girl learning to build healthy relationships that I missed out when I was growing up. I pray and recommit our friendship back to You, Lord Jesus Christ, as You lead us in Your love for Your glory, amen.

Last Weekend of May 2020

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank You for a very interesting weekend. These 3 days You let me experience Your grace, mercy, goodness, protection and love, and I am grateful for them all.

Friday, 29 May 2020

• Completed a couple of tasks requested by my colleagues so that they can complete their tasks.
• My beanie and baseball caps' order finally arrived! Thank You Father for a good quality caps to protect my head =)
• Wonderful and fruitful time with my cell members in hearing their sharing on how You worked in their lives for Your glory, I'm blessed to be encouraged by their testimonies.

Saturday, 30 May 2020

• Went to celebrate ST's birthday celebration with sisters Mic and Min. Made a blunder with the cake selection, but most importantly we all learnt to enjoy Your love in our friendships. Thank You Lord Jesus, for helping the 4 of us to build and nurture our relationships in healthy and godly way. I am grateful to You and to my sisters-in-Christ for letting me to get to know their family members and their life stories. I pray that Your blessings be with each of them and for Your salvation to their loved ones who are yet to accept You as their personal Lord and Saviour.
• I have not tasted alcoholic drinks for about 6 years and today I had my first and the only can of beer during the dinner with my dear friends and ST's family members. Haha... it tasted a bit weird and I was wondering if I will get drunk easily. Thank You Father for keeping my body healthy all these years and I pray that I will keep the drinking for really special occasions (and only one can of beer or a glass of wine, thank you very much).
• What a treat dear Father God, iced Musang King durian at sis Mic's house! Had a challenging time trying to open the frozen durian because we didn't defrost it earlier as we weren't sure if we will eat it after the dinner with ST.

Sunday, 31 May 2020

• 
  Thank You Father for Your protection today. The car's rear tyre was penetrated by a loose car battery bracket when I was on my way to Taman U and by Your grace it did not puncture the tyre. The mechanics at the workshop were puzzled and laughed with me when they saw the tyre's condition. Thank You Lord that I don't have to change to a new tyre and I still can make it to online worship with my mom.
• 
  Thank You Father for PS' mom for lending to our cell her lorry to help the needy. I enjoyed the drive and the whole session of giving out the provision to the people You love. Thank You for Your protection for each one of us who came to the mission and a good weather. I pray that Your will be done to the people that You wanted us to reach out to, that they will personally encounter Your love for them.

Thank You Father for a good closure to the month of May 2020, and I look forward to experiencing more of Your love and to walk closely with my Lord Jesus Christ in days to come, amen.

Occasional God or God of my life?

Dear Father God,

Today I am challenged by this question about how I treat You in my life: Is God my occasional God or God of my life?

I was pondering on this question and many thoughts came to my mind. When Pr Jon shared his message in the SIBKLW Team Night, these 3 points hit me hard:

1. Having fellowship about God but not with Him
   Symptom: A lot of gatherings about God but not much growth in Him.
   Remedy: Make room for the Secret Place, not just a meeting space. (Luke 5:16, where Lord Jesus often withdrew Himself to lonely places and prayed - am I constantly doing this: withdrawing from my own schedule and enter into God's chamber to be still and commune with Him?)
2. Relying on our service to Him for our seeking of Him
   Symptom: Only showing devotion when there is duty.
   Remedy: Be a son/daughter, not just a servant. (Matthew 7:21-23, where Lord Jesus told the people He never knew them despite all their "deeds to God" because they never do the will of Father God - The importance of my whole-hearted devotion and love to God at all times, whether I am serving or not.)
3. Treating a time of hidden-ness as a time for hiding
   Symptom: Mistaking a time of preparation as an opportunity for procrastination.
   Remedy: Shifting from inactivity to having initiative. (1 Samuel 17:34-36, where David told King Saul how he had faced dangers in the past and not afraid of Goliath because he knew God gave him victories before and God will do it again - I can seize this opportunity to prepare myself by growing deeper in my relationship with Christ so that when the calling comes to serve Him, I'll be ready for it.)

Father God, I can resonate with Pr Jon's message because at one point during the MCO, I felt so frustrated with so many online worships and prayer altars everyday to the point I just gave up and felt like a failure because I was trying to please/serve You in my own way. I've fallen flat on my face in trying to compete with others to be more "spiritual" and that lesson was so painful for me. Thank You Father for forgiving me of my folly when I came and confessed to You and for giving me Your grace and mercy to see that You still love me without any conditions.

Coming back to the question, I confess to You Father, many times in the past I only come to You when I have problems and I leave You once they are solved. I confess that I still do this sinful act presently. Forgive me Father for treating You my "occasional God", I'm sorry for taking You for granted - worst still Father, at times even treating You like my butler. Father, help me to switch my heart and mind to completely have You as the God of my life - I want to be like Your Son Jesus Christ to having a deep relationship with You as my Father, amen.

Thanksgiving and Reflection 20200527

I've been listening to "Ancient of Days" by CityAlight and am very encouraged to keep walking with my Father God because He is my Ancient of Days. Verse 2 speaks to me personally that He loves me dearly.

[V1]
Though the nations rage, kingdoms rise and fall
There is still one King reigning over all
So I will not fear for this truth remains:
That my God is, the Ancient of Days

[V2]
Though the dread of night overwhelms my soul
He is here with me, I am not alone
O His love is sure, and He knows my name
For my God is, the Ancient of Days

[V3]
Though I may not see what the future brings
I will watch and wait for the Saviour King
Then my joy complete standing face to face
In the presence of the Ancient of Days

[Chorus]
None above Him, none before Him
All of time in His hands
For His throne it shall remain and ever stand
All the power, all the glory
I will trust in His name
For my God is, the Ancient of Days

Worship and fellowship 20200524

Dearest Father God,

I thank You Father for a wonderful time of gathering with some of my cell members today at David's house. It's been more than 2 months since we last met physically for fellowship and to praise and worship You. I thank You for Your presence throughout the afternoon and I can feel Your love flowing deeply in my entire being... there is no words that I can describe that intimate moment with You.

I thank You Lord Jesus for the "holy" laughter (Lisa called it that way, haha...) when Emm started his usual antics of describing certain person or moment. When he started to play with Grace's harp, I laughed so hard until my jaw and side ached. I think both Lisa and I had our best laughs in months as the others tried to talk to Emm how the harp should be played and he responded in his comical way.

Thank You Father for a wonderful view of sunset at David's new apartment when we went over for a prayer of house blessing. Truly Lord, when we sang the phrase "Release the fullness of Your Spirit, Shekinah glory come, Shekinah glory come", the sun ray bursting through the evening clouds just displayed Your glory. How worthy are You Father in all the earth when Your creation joined us in giving You praise!

Thank You Lord Jesus for a simple dinner blessing from David and Grace. Although we had to sit at different tables due to the social distancing ruling, I thank You Father for the sweet fellowship despite having to raise our voices to talk to each other.

Reflection 20200523

Dear Heavenly Father,
It's been 2 days that I didn't get to jot down my reflection-of-the-day as I was quite tired to type out my thoughts.

Yesterday was quite a "battle" for me as I have promised to help Ying with her homework on a business proposal and at the same time I also needed to work on my office's tasks. It is funny for me to think about it again today because when she was younger, I only helped her with any Malay or English lessons that she don't understand as she is a very independent girl. Thank You Father for 2 brothers-in-Christ who also chipped in to complete the proposal so that she can submit the paper by midnight. I was really exhausted and at the same time relieved to see her able to meet the deadline.

Since I don't have to work today, I decided to go to KL to get some guitar strings as I ran out of the 4th string. Thinking that it will be good to show sis Min where is this shop that I frequently go to for my musical instruments purchases, I texted her and asked if she'd like to tag along. She replied okay and I went to pick her up. Along the way to her house I saw Anson's food truck is opened for business and I decided to get some roast pork for sis Min. Mr Chong also arrived at the same time and we exchanged greetings. Thank You Father for the brief chat with him; it's been few months since I last talked to him and Anson at their roadside stall.

Father, little did I know when I reached sis Min's house that her mother actually wanted to have some roast pork. She asked if her daughter told me about it and I bought it on purpose. I was really puzzled and laughed out loud while assuring her that I absolutely have not heard from her daughter about it at all. Later I learned that sis Min was having some hard time which she wrote in her blog and she thought I have read the posting hence I asked her to go out with me. Father, You are a good Father to all of us. Thank You Father for Your perfect timing and will for us and for making me Your "angel" to deliver Your love to them today.

In today's e-Bible reading we read about how You brought the Israelites into the battles under the leadership of Joshua. The phrases "utterly destroy" and "rest from war" appeared many times and I sensed You are telling me to "utterly destroy" my sinful thoughts, desires and behaviour so that I can experience Your rest and victorious life with You. Lord Jesus, please help me to rely on You at all time for victory when I need to go through the "battles" in my life.

Thank You Father for a wonder time of fellowship and catching up with my spiritual family members today via Zoom. I pray that each one of us will continue to love You and support each other in our lives' journey with the love of Christ Jesus.

Good night Father, I love You for loving me *hugs*

Reflection 20200520

Dear Heavenly Father,
Today my day is filled with mixed emotions.

• Sis Mic's message about her grandfather's health condition - concerned and immediately came before Your throne to surrender his health and her entire family into Your hand. Thank You Father for Your peace to come into my heart assuring You have the best of plan for her family.
• Bro Chong and Joyce's messages about DOB boss Gavin's passing - sad, shocked to be exact. I was wondering if the news was true because the last I've met him was during the CNY gathering early this year and noticed he was getting skinnier but I never asked what was the reason. Today I heard his colon cancer had returned and cut short his life. I have lost a good boss and mentor. What saddened me most is the fact he did not believe in Jesus although he was surrounded with a lot of good Christian drivers in his team.
• E-Chapel message by Hank Du - uplifting, encouraged me to move forward and to be committed to You in my life, to put my confidence in Christ (Hebrews 10:35-36). He used the driver's steering wheel as the analogy today: Who is in control of your life?. A couple of Bible verses quoted today: 1 Corinthians 9:26, Philippians 3:12-14, Ephesians 4:2-3, Philippians 4:4-6
• Communication with various teams to resolve some of work issues - quite tiring due to the heat of the afternoon sun, and at the same time was very intrigued with the investigations that I am currently doing in the questions raised not only within my own local office but also from international team. I give thanks to You Father for the skill You have trained me in the past comes handy in situation like this. I just place my hope in You for the wisdom to understand and solve the issues soon.

Dear Father, despite all these news and feelings seems to try to overwhelm me, I thank You for keeping me sane and focused in Christ Jesus. I could have fallen into deep negative emotion for today but by Your grace and mercy, this did not happen. Help me Holy Spirit to enter into the Father's secret chamber for the rest that my Saviour Jesus promised to me, amen.

Reflection 20200519: Where Choices Lead

Today's reflection is based on reading of Psalm 1 and Deuteronomy 20-30 (NKJV).

There are so many choices to be made daily, every moment as long as I am still breathing. When to wake up, what to do after waking up, what to eat, how to do the tasks, how to talk.. the list goes on and on...

Quoting from ODB: "Life can be like that (outcome from making choices): we have to ask not simply if something is right or wrong, but where it will lead." My daily choice is between living a righteous or wicked life before God. The author mentioned about relationships and habits that can affect my walk with Him.Verse 6 says "For the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the ungodly shall perish". Lord Jesus, please help me to live the life of the person described in Psalm 1:2-3 (paraphrased): "But my delight is in the law of the LORD, and in His law I meditates day and night. I shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever I do shall prosper". Note to self: choose wisely with the wisdom from the Lord!

Was reading Deuteronomy 20-30 with my cell members and we laughed when we came to Deuteronomy 22:5. We broke this law ady, said Lisa while I smiled and nodded my head in agreement. How would my life be in that time to fulfill all the laws before the Most Holy God when simple instruction like this also can be broken by me, I pondered...

Deuteronomy 30:15-20 highlighted the importance of my choices:
"See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the Lord your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them."

I pray Father, that Your Holy Spirit will always help me to make the choice that leads to You even when it doesn't make any sense to me. Help me to walk blameless before You my Lord and Saviour all the days of my life. Pull me back up when I stumble and fall, I pray, and by Your mercy be gracious to me when I am weak. In Jesus' name I ask and commit my life, amen.

Thanksgiving Heart 20200518

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank You for a day filled with Your love and cares. Early in the morning my cell member Eliz messaged me for the Zoom hosting info which then became a catch up chat (she's still in JB, unable to return to KL due to the CMCO thingy). It was a very warm chat with her and I told her I missed the time of fellowship when we had meals after church or when I was driving e-hailing where I'd stop by her house just for a cup of teh-tarik. I told her about my discomfort of another cell member's question last weekend about my past and she was also concerned if I'll be okay if anyone would ask me similar question in the future. We ended our conversation by encouraging each other to stay focused on Lord Jesus Christ and be filled with His love to be more Christ-like in our lives to bring our loved ones to eternal life with the Lord.

Thank You Father for my short chat with bro. Chong my former boss in the ehailing team, just to catch up with him. He's like a big brother to me, so I guessed he'll be very surprised to see me with my super short hair (Okay, I had it cut due to hot weather and to remove the old colouring). He had commented before that I looked better with longer hair when I last met him during the DOB's CNY open house (I had a neck-length hair compared to pony tail when I was in his team). Hehe... my hair will grow back and by then I can recolour my greying hair.

The afternoon was filled with meetings and I actually felt so sleepy at a section of the discussion. Thank You Father for keeping me awake when I thought about You and asked You how can I help my colleague to solve some of the issues raised. Although I can't think of any ideas today, I know You are in control of the situation and by Your timing You will download it to us.

I want to thank You Father for Your will to me to be schooled and grow-up in a Malay-language environment. I did not understand why my education was arranged that way when I was younger and because of that I always felt a gap of communication with my own family members. I have even questioned You about this "handicap" each time I am in the Mandarin speaking environment. These few days I began to see myself in a different light, in Your light to be precised Father... You are using my command and knowledge in this "difficult" language to help people when they needed it. From the mission trip to Kalimantan, Indonesia to Aunt Shirley, then sis Min and now my youngest brother texting me late at night to help his son in KK, I want to give You all the glory for Your perfect plan for my life. I just put my skill back into Your hand Father, may Your will be done in my life, amen.

Tonight the class on Christ-Transformation-Prayer is kinda heavy and I just want to thank You Holy Spirit for helping me to understand what the speaker is sharing. It is quite similar to the methods I learnt during Elijah House with detailed explanation on the human soul. I thank You Jesus for Your promise to take all my hurts away and to heal my soul and I pray that I will continue to come to You for complete healing, amen.

Thanksgiving Heart 20200517

Dear Father God,
Thank You for a good Sunday where I get to spend a lot of quiet time with You. I finished listening to the entire audio book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and I admit Father, without Your love for me, I will still be at my old life wasting each day away from You or probably still striving on my own strength to love You the way I think You want me to. There are so many pointers so I'll list down what I learned from the author in a separate post.

Thank You Lord, the mini carpentry project's preparation is going well and I am grateful that I don't need to get sophisticated tools to do what I have planned earlier. I hope that by next weekend my project will be completed as I realised I needed a smaller sized screws to fix the pieces together.

I am grateful to You Father for a loving text message from Pr. Tryphena reminding me to take time to rest. I did hope to meet her for a meal soon but this CMCO does not permit social gathering yet so I guess I'll just wait till the right timing to do so, haha...

I thank You Father for a good and fruitful meeting tonight with the SIBKLW Visual Department's core members over the next direction for the entire team in serving You in church. Ever since the MCO (and now CMCO) started, we have not been able to physically serve You in our respective roles. It is encouraging updates from the leaders about the next phase of training for the members so that we will be ready to return to church once the SOPs are in place.

Thank You Lord Jesus for a new week of new adventure and encounter with You, and I look forward to a deeper relationship with You in the coming days, amen.

Fun Saturday 20200516

Dear Father God,
What a Saturday to remember! From a hot morning to cool rainy night, You have shown me how Your timing is just right and perfect even though we have tried to plan our day's activities in advance. Isaiah 55:8-9 (NKJV) came to my mind "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."

Thank You Father for letting me and my dear spiritual sisters in 战友 group to have a good birthday celebration for sis Min. I do agree with sis ST that our friendship is growing stronger in Your love and I continue to pray that we will always put Jesus Christ in the centre of our lives.

Thank You Father for sis Mic's gift of this book "The Shack". Gonna spend a good time reading this story 😄

I also thank You Father for 5pm online service today. It's been a long while since I last "attended" the 1st service and I am blessed by the sharing by Pr. Jon on the book of Ezra.

Thank You Lord Jesus, for my order of the fiber boards finally arrived and now I can start my mini carpentry project.

Father, today one of my cell members who didn't know about my past suddenly asked my leader about me. Thank You Father for her to give me a heads up as she told that cell member to speak to me personally. Honestly, I did feel some discomfort with the questions that the cell member asked her. I don't know why suddenly this person is interested to know about my past and I just surrender my discomfort to You Father. I always remember what pastors and WVM CEO told me: no need to say anything unless God tells you to. Dear Holy Spirit, I will only say the things You want me to say because I have moved on with Jesus Christ, amen.

Thanksgiving Heart 20200515

Dear Father God,

Thank You for Your protection over me today. It's been 3 days that I am having issue with purging and stomach discomfort as I really have no idea what is the cause and I still want to thank You for everything.

I am blessed, Father, with the short visiting time to my youngest sister's home in the evening. The twin boys are no longer shy or afraid of me (we hardly meet hence the gap there in the past), and the little baby girl allowed me to hold her after 5 minutes of comforting her.

Thank You Lord Jesus, for an awesome time with my cell members and Pr Sum Keong's sharing on being a Christian in our respective workplaces tonight. Some of the main points I managed to jot down from his sharing:

1. Delight in the Word of God
2. A higher standard of righteousness and integrity. Psalm 26, Proverbs 4:26
3. Seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness
4. Pure heart and clean hands
5. Repent of any business decision that has not honoured God
6. Bless and encourage - not cursing the darkness but bring the light there
7. Consecration of workplace
8. Thanksgiving Gal 6:10
9. Amazing and awesome (blessings) to all generations 2 Tim 1:12

Thank You Father for the upcoming weekend break, and I look forward to having a blessed Sabbath rest with You, amen.

Thanksgiving Heart 20200514

Dear Father God,
I'm not sure why I have been having upset tummy for the past 2 days causing me to feel really tired from the purging, and I just want to thank You for keeping me healthy despite the discomfort. Like the Bible said, I will still give thanks to the Lord in all circumstances whether good or bad.

Thank You Father, for a relatively calm day at work and at home today. Thank You Lord Jesus for a time of practising guitar and to ponder on Your word that I read with my cell members. May Your will be done for my life as I keep my eyes focused on Jesus Christ, the perfecter of my faith.

Good night Father and I look forward to new adventure with You tomorrow *hugs*

Thanksgiving Heart 20200513

Dear Father,

Today is an interesting day. From early morning drizzling to late afternoon You have given me a nice cooling weather to work on my office's tasks and I am thankful to You as I have completed 80% of the request (ahead of schedule hehe).

Thank You Father for the e-chapel today when the speaker shared about hope. I am reminded of Romans 15:13 (NLT) "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." given by Pr Lee Choo when Wen was going through a difficult pregnancy back in 2018. It's by Your grace and mercy that we experienced Your miracle with the arrival of the twin boys, thank You Lord Jesus. Thank You Father that sis Mic shared a simple Chinese version called Easy-to-Read (ERV) of the Bible so that I can learn to read and recognise the characters easier.

Father, I thank You for the 10:10 tonight when Pr Lee Choo asked this question "Is Jesus worthy to you?" I pray that when You ask me of my sacrifice, let it be from my heart and willingness to offer it to You because You truly are worthy of it all.

Thanksgiving Heart 20200512

Dear Father God,
I want to give thanks to You for things that happened today. From my work, my friends to my family, there are so many things that I can give You all my thanks and praise.

Thank You Father for helping me to get my tasks done today by bringing into my memories of the past lessons, examples and work done for my SQL scripting. I am now able to understand a little bit more of the tables' relationship that I need to work with to generate the reports according to my colleagues' requests. I pray that I will continue to rely on Your strength and wisdom to remember the important matters related to my daily task at office, so that I can give You all the glory.

Thank You Father for the reading of Numbers 29-36 with my cell members today. I thank You that You have shown to us how merciful You are to the Israelites despite all their sinful rebellions in their wilderness years. You are the same God who is still showing mercy to me when I don't deserve it because You loves me and I thank You for who You are.

I thank You Lord Jesus for the final class on the heresy study organised by MBS. I now have better understanding that I need to be deeply rooted in Your Word so that I can be aware of anything that is counterfeiting You truth. It was a good bonding time with my mother as we both followed the 4-day class together. By Your will, I pray and look forward to having such biblical classes again with my family members in the future.

I thank You Father for Your protection to sister Min's grandmother from serious injury due to a fall. I pray that Your Holy Spirit comforts sister Min and her entire family as they trust in Your healing power for her grandmother so that she will be discharged from the hospital without any issue to her health. I pray that through this incident, You will strengthen sister Min's faith in You and may Your salvation comes to her grandparents and her entire family.

Thank You Holy Spirit for speaking to me today through Pr Lee Choo's 10:10 prayer altar. Please forgive me Father God if I have in any way neglected my relationship with You, including rushing through my quiet time with You. Help me to honour and revere You as my Heavenly Father, my Jehovah Sabaoth in all area of my life, in Jesus' name I ask and pray, amen.

Thanksgiving Heart 20200511

Dear Father God,
Technically, I have completed the journaling down 10-days of gratitude to You as suggested by sister Min.. but I think I'll just continue on my own to keep giving thanks to You each day.

Thank You Father, for extra day of rest for me as I woke up with headache from last night. Perhaps I am just tired from the rain yesterday, and by noon I felt much better as I rested in You.

I thank You Lord Jesus for the delivery guy's dedication to his work even though it's supposed to be their off day. I wasn't expecting the chair to arrive today and by Your grace I get to assemble the chair with my niece's help at night. Thank You Father for a great bonding time for both of us as we get to chat about books and music and growing up thing. I pray that You will watch over her and Your Holy Spirit will be her guide and protection for all her days.

I thank You Father for giving me the strength I needed to complete the tree trimming today. You sent cloud to protect me from the hot sun and I don't get serious sunburn to my skin, just that now at night I can feel as though as there is a hot steam coming out from my back. Thank You Father for electricity and air conditioner to cool down my skin and to help me to get some sleep later.

Thank You Father for a new day tomorrow to experience You anew. Good night Father, and I pray for Your protection for all my loved ones as we rest tonight, amen.

Heart of Gratitude - Day 10 of 10

I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart;

I will tell of all Your marvelous works.

~ Psalm 9:1 (NKJV)

Dear Father God,
I thank You for Mothers' Day today. It's been a good time spent with my own mother both in the morning Sunday service and evening, and I pray that You will continue to bless her with Your love and grant her good health.

I thank You for an able body to do the gardening and cleaning today at LEP. Although I had a mild headache due to the rain, I thank You as I am able to clear the rubbish. I just continue to place my hope in Jesus Christ my Lord that the house's transaction will be settled despite all this MCO, CMCO thingy. Honestly Father, this letter from the liquidator seems to drag quite a while now and I can only put my anxiousness in Your hand so that this financial burden will be finally be lifted off from me.

I thank You Father, I can finally see and hug my 2 nieces after 2 months of separation because of the MCO. It was a beautiful moment that I am able to give Jane and Jojo a big, loving hug. I can only hope that I can see them again soon because I do really miss their laughter and witty conversation.

Thank You Father, for loving me for who I am. As I prepare myself to rest for the day, I just want to give You all my thanks and reverence because You are an awesome God; there is none like You. I love You Father, good night *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 09 of 10

I will praise the Lord according to His righteousness,

And will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High.

~ Psalm 7:17

Dear Father God,
It's been an interesting Saturday for me. I thank You for a time of bonding with my sister over a simple breakfast and chat on some interesting topics about the Covid-19 pandemic and politics.

I thank You Father for Your mercy to me although I fallen last night to my flesh's desire. It was tough moment for me but I know You are cheering for me to get up and bounce back from that hiccup. I thank You Holy Spirit for reminding me of our post-SG sharing last week about continuing with our journey from where we stopped/fallen instead of restarting all over. Yeap, thank You Lord Jesus, I can trust in Your strength and love to keep walking in Your holiness.

I thank You Lord Jesus for the reading of Your Word for the past 2 weeks with my cell members on the Old Testament. It helped me to understand Romans 1-8 better when I attended the e-Bible Study class today. Thank You Father for the sharing by everyone in the class, I learned a simple and better way about how the law and Your grace governs our lives with the analogy of airplane working under the law of gravity and aerodynamic. I thank You for the next class that we get to re-read Romans 1-8 to hear from You for new revelation.

Father, I just want to give You thanks for our group Zoom chat tonight. I am greatly encouraged by the honest sharing by Mic, Min and ST. May You continue to be the centre of our friendship and teach us to love and care for each other with Christ's love. I am grateful to You that Mic is willing to have the new exercise mat due to the seller had refused to cancel my order earlier.

Thank You Father for giving me Your peace and rest tonight. I love You, Father, good night *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 08 of 10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

Dear Father,
I thank You for the reading of Proverbs 3:5-6 today. I give You all the glory because of all the help You have given to me this week to accomplish the tasks assigned to me. When I trust in You and acknowledge You in all my ways from the start to the end of my day, You made my path smoother and I don't have to strife.

Thank You Holy Spirit for a short chat with Doreen. It's been 2-3 months we last see each other in church, and it's really lovely when we are both prompted to text each other today. People called this coincident, but I call ed it "the work of the Holy Spirit".

Thank You Father for a time of reflection after listening to a short sermon about Your love. This MCO has taught me so much about Your love, how much You love me and how I can love You despite what I am going through each day. You are a good Father, and I can't thank You enough for what You have done and doing for me.

Today Daniel shared in the cell meet about the "armour of God". I thank You Lord of his reminder that I need to keep the armour on at all times, not only during challenging time but also during the good time as the enemy is getting more desperate and cunning to reclaim me. Father, please help me to keep my heart safely in Your hands that no matter what the enemy is trying to do to me, I can trust in Your protection because of Your love to me.

Good night Father, I love You *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 07 of 10

And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

~Colossians 3:17 (NKJV)

Father,
How time really flies by, and with a blink of the eye it's already coming to the end of 1st week of May 2020. I thank You for Your blessings and a fruitful day today for me. Thank You Father for the mobile accessories shops are opened for business and I can get the screen protector for my phone.

Thank You Holy Spirit, for Your help to me when I went through my SQL learning. I can understand the structure better as I surrendered myself to You, knowing that it is by Your power and might that my mind can absorb the lesson better than yesterday. I am grateful to You Lord Jesus as You gave me another small victory over my temptation to "do it myself".

I thank You Lord for my personal altar to praise and worship You. Honestly, Father, I longed for the days when I can be in the corporate prayer altars with my cell members to just praise and worship You for who You are. I trust in You that we will be able to meet together again in Jesus Christ's name when the MCO is officially ended.

Thank You Lord, for a simple dinner at my parents' home today before we join the online class by MBS about the heresy groups. I thank You Father, for keeping both my parents healthy and safe. I thank You Father for the hope and prayer that one day my father's name will be written in the Book of Life, together with my mother, myself and my siblings.

I thank You Father that the online sellers have sent out my orders to the logistic hubs. I give You all my thanks as I can get the chair and the HDF boards soon.

Thank You Lord for giving me the night to rest my body and mind. May the shalom of the Lord Jesus Christ be with me and my loved ones, good night Father *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 06 of 10

Let all that I am praise the Lord;

may I never forget the good things He does for me.

~ Psalm 103:2 (NLT)

Dear Father God,

Thank You Father for Your Word shared in the e-chapel service today. Indeed, there are so much fear going on in this world and in our own lives, but in 2 Timothy 1:7 it is written "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I thank You for this reminder to me to always trust in You and not to give in to my fear.

It was a good time spent with my colleagues in the e-chapel when we get to do a simple booklet as a reminder of Your goodness in our lives. Thank You Lord, for a hilarious ending to our meeting as we laughed at each other's weird hairdo for "creative competition". I wished I can be as brave as them to do funny and silly style with my hair, but I guess I was not ready yet...

Thank You Lord for small progress in my work today, I know You have helped me to understand the code better than yesterday.

I thank You Father for the online sharing that I followed today. The pastor's explanation of the current Covid-19 with biblical reference gave me a clearer understanding of the end times and Jesus Christ's return. Thank You Lord Jesus for Your grace for us that we are given time to repent from our sins and to return to You, and also the chance for us to go and share the good news of Your salvation to our loved ones who are unbelievers.

Yay! Thank You Father for tomorrow is a public holiday so that I can have the time to catch up with some reading and reflections. I am looking forward to have deeper time to spend with You in Your presence.

Good night Father =) *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 05 of 10

Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,

Let me tell his greatness in a prayer of thanks.

~ Psalm 69:30 (MSG)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You Lord for a good rest last night, and I have had a good morning spending my quiet time with You in Your presence. Thank You for speaking to me through the reading of Elijah's story where You refreshed and strengthened him for his next assignment when he fled from Jezebel after defeating the Baal's team earlier with Your power. I know that You are preparing me step by step each day for Your own glory, and I can just trust in Your heart and Your plan for my life.

Father, it's been quite a tough day today for me as I struggled with a reporting task. Thank You Holy Spirit for Your gentle nudging in my heart to join the e-bible reading today with my cell members although I don't feel like doing so. I am blessed with the reading on Numbers 1-9 and the sharing of what each of us received from You after that. As I continued with my task, I thank You for bringing into my mind to contact Johnny to seek his help. He is still the same ol' Johnny after I last met him 7 years ago in en ex-colleague's wedding reception, haha.. I am grateful to You Father as he took time to explain to me some of the ways to get the result despite his tight schedule. I felt like my SQL understanding is improved by 0.01%, which I am truly very happy for that small improvement. I pray that You will bless him with good customers as the business after MCO is very challenging for him.

Thank You Father for the email from WVM management that we can return to the office on 1st of June 2020. Till then, I will keep thanking You for Your protection for my back and shoulder from turning super painful as I wait for a proper chair that I purchased online to arrive soon.

Thank You Father for the invention of air-conditioner so that I can have a cooler room to rest for tonight. Good night Father, see You tomorrow for new adventure with You!

Heart of Gratitude - Day 04 of 10

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving;

Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.

For the Lord is the great God,

And the great King above all gods.

~ Psalm 95:2-3 (NKJV)

Dear Father,

It's Monday, a new week of working-from-home. Thank You for being with me throughout the day as I worked on my tasks today. Although my skill is still far-off than what I used to have, I am thankful to You Holy Spirit because You have comforted me by assuring I have tried my best for the day.

Thank You Father for the sighting of the rainbow in the evening. It's a beautiful and relaxing moment as I watched Your creation slowly fades into the evening sky. Even the birds were singing in praises to You and I thank You Lord for a splendid way to end my day surrounded by the nature.

Thank You Father for Mic's sharing of some videos to help me deal with my shoulder and upper back pain. Apparently my situation is called "rounded shoulder" because I have not been practicing proper posture when I sat down. Haha... Father, I remembered my schooling days when I slouched because I was ashamed to be a girl (I know it's a strange thing to do despite being in all-girls environment, forgive me Father for those times when I denied Your design for me). I thank You for Rac because she noticed my slouching and in her own special way helped me to stop the bad posture. Thank You Father for the arrival of the back support today and it fits me well despite my initial doubt of their measurement.

Thank You again Father, for the rest You have prepared for me tonight. I pray for the shalom from my dear Lord Jesus Christ to envelop me and my loved ones, and I thank You for You are protecting us from all harms even in our sleeps. Good night Father, I love You for loving me *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 03 of 10

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

His faithful love endures forever."

~ Psalm 107:1 (NLT)

Dear Father God,

There are many things I want to thank You for today.

• Thank You for a good and hearty laugh that myself and my sisters-in-Christ in 战友 group chat had last night (it spilled over to midnight, haha...)
• I thank You for today's Sunday messages delivered through your servants, and the intimate moment with Christ Jesus during the partaking of the Holy Communion together with my mother. It's been a while since we last had Holy Communion together as mother-daughter in the same service, thank You again Father for this precious moment.
• Thank You for Your revelation to me of Christ's love and Your power through Ephesians 3:20.
• Thank You Father for answering my prayer when I asked for Your help to write my sharing for GRCA Taiwan 2019. I thank You Father, for without the help from Your Holy Spirit, I will still be stuck at "what to write?" stage and the pain on my shoulder wouldn't have left because I have stressed myself out earlier.
• I thank You Father for this small victory of overcoming the inner urge to "do it on my own". Help me to remember, Holy Spirit, to always seek my Father's face before I do anything, thank You Lord.
• Thank You Father, that the MCO is gradually lifted in my country. I pray for Your protection for everyone who is returning to work not only from this Covid-19 but also their travelling and safety.
• Thank You Father for wonderful music pieces from Dan Musselman to accompany me each time when I sit down to do my reflections. Through him, Father, You have comforted me whenever I am stressed or lost for direction. May You continue to increase his talent in music for Your kingdom.

Thank You Father, I give to You my praises and worship for the rest You have prepared for me tonight. I love You, Father ❤. Good night.

Ephesians 3:20

I was listening to a sermon today and the speaker mentioned Ephesians 3:20 which caused me to stop the video and reflect on this verse.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us" ~ Ephesians 3:20 (NKJV)

I have heard this verse quoted so many times, and quite a number of messages relates to things or matters that we want God to bless us with. I asked the Lord this question in my heart: Father, I have heard people's interpretation of this verse in the past, but when Paul wrote this, what is that thing that You are able to do in my life? In my case, surely not only blessings or healing, right?

I decided to look up the Bible and read the verses that preceded verse 20 for understanding.

"14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:14-21 (NKJV)

Verses 17 and 19 caught my attention with a word - love. I believe Paul is telling the Ephesians to ask God for Christ's love in their lives and not the usual "bless me, heal me, etc" prayers that I always hear. Also, the word power in verse 20 refers to power of God which the Lord reminded me to not rely on my own power to love Him.  Haha... I am likening this power to the analogy of a power-bank that I use as backup to my electronic devices - if the power-bank is not connected to the main electricity to be recharged, it lost it's function as a charger when I need to use it. Yeap, I am that power-bank and I need God to recharge me at all times, without Him I can't live my life according to His fullness for me.

Thank You Father because now my new understanding of Ephesians 3:20 is pointing me to the love of Christ for me above all else in my life. Father, You are able to fill me with Christ's love when I ask from You and may the power of the Holy Spirit enable me to always be filled with Your love and Your fullness, amen.

Heart of Gratitude - Day 02 of 10

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

For His mercy endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34 (NKJV)

Dear Father God,

I thank You for a clear day today after few days of cooling and rainy days. I am grateful to You that You gives creative ideas to people to make tools that can help me to reduce the pain on my shoulder and back when I can't go to seek medical relieve during this MCO period.

I thank You for the e-bible reading with my cell members; we finished the book of Leviticus. If all the strict laws and commandments to govern the life in the Old Testament is still in practice today, I think I will be overly stressed and strict with myself to meet or exceed Your standard. Thank You Jesus because You became the Lamb of God that was slain for our sins so that we can be redeemed and reconciled to God. Because of You, Lord Jesus, I can follow Your examples to live as the child of God who is dearly loved by Father God.

Thank You for the support group Zoom time today too. It's been a fruitful and encouraging time for me, and I believe the rest felt the same too.

Thank You Father! Good night, I love You *hugs* =)

Movie: The Shack (2017)

Recently Mic asked in the chat group if anyone watched this movie titled "The Shack". Curiously, I checked online about this movie and found out that it is based on the author's original story to his own children about human relationship with God. When the book got published and became famous, biblical scholars examined the content and pointed out a lot of the author's misrepresentation of God.  As Lisa always reminded me to "take the meat and throw the bone", my own understanding after watching the movie is the author had published the story without consulting with the church leaders for biblical accuracy and doctrinal truth.

The movie itself is quite good and I enjoyed the 2-hours with lots of reflection. Some of the observation I made:

• I am created to be loved by God.
• God never leaves me although in a lot of times, He seems to be like that to me especially when I go through pain and suffering. That God is not there is a lie from the enemy, and I renounce that lie in Jesus' name!
• God wants to know me although He already knew everything about me in advance.
• He wanted the intimate conversation and time with me as a father with his daughter. I guess my life will be very mundane and predictable if He always tells me what to do and I don't have any chance to talk to Him about my thoughts and feelings. Sounded like a dictator-led life if God really does that to me and it's just a matter of time before I rebel or give up my life altogether...
• God's love is meant to exist in relationships.
• The trinity relationship in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit is based on love. When He created this world and me, He did it with His love hence His love is already in me. My past experiences since childhood had distorted my view about His love for me, but Father God is loving me still.
• In our fallen world, our love is limited. We tend to abuse, manipulate, exploit and lie to each other in the relationships. We are selfish-being because we expect to be loved by others unconditionally but we decline to do the same to the others.
• I am precious to God.
• Like a loving father, He will stop for me when I go to Him. And I just need to go to Him as I am without setting any conditions with Him.
• God is good.
• If I knew Him and how much He loves me, even when I don't understand, I can know that He is working in my life for good and I can always trust Him.
• Don't look at the pain or think about the past but look to Jesus and He will make it OK for me.
• Honestly, this is challenging for me to do but I am willing to keep trying until it become natural to me.
• Step out from the boat and start walking in faith with Jesus.
• The boat represents my own strength, wisdom, standard, way, pain, past and even knowledge about God that had became stumbling blocks for me.
• Jesus came 2000 years ago and He challenged the religious Jews to about God. He is challenging me today too - can I be like Peter and walk on the water with Jesus by my side and my eyes fixed on Him alone?
• The scene where Mack running across the lake with Jesus is wonderful! He was having fun and there is no worry on his face as he ran with the Lord, because he knows Jesus is at his side and will help him from sinking. It will be more enjoyable to do everything with the Lord at my side, haha...
• God is the just Judge and I am not.
• I admit, I have always play the "judge". No wonder in my previous personality test the result for my "judging" trait was so high. I judges everything and everyone according to my standard, and when they failed, I become angry and hurt which I then project my negative emotion to either myself (self-condemnation, punishing myself to do even better, self-isolation) or others (revengeful thought, mean words, cold shoulder, etc).
• When I learn to see my life through His eyes and understand His heart, there will be less stress in my life.
• When I say "I forgive you/that person", do I really meant it? Or will I take back the judging seat and be my own judge? Dear Father, help me to truly and sincerely forgive and let You be the true Judge because I can't.
• I always hoped for pain-free life, but this is impossible.
• God promises a better life (not without pain, of course) for me if I put my trust in Him. I imagine my life is like the little girl in a car where I can enjoy the life journey because He is the driver ~ God is in control =)
• Because God loves me, He will keep working on me.
• The song "I am the clay, He is the potter" came up in my head. Yes Father, I am willing to be broken and moulded by You into useful vessel for Your kingdom. Please hold my heart as I go through the processes in You hand because I am fearful of the pain that I have to go through. I put my trust in You because I believe that I will come out stronger in You. Thank You Father, amen.
• My act of forgiveness to others without the help from God doesn't establish true relationship.
• The pain inside me (if I haven't not truly forgive and let go) will destroy me, robbing me of joy in my life and clipping/crippling my ability/capacity to love others. I will be stuck or possibly self-destruct if I won't or can't let go of my past.
• In the final scene, God journeyed with Mack to retrieve Missy's body from a cave. Mack handed Missy's body to Jesus and He placed her into the little coffin. Both Mack and Jesus carried it together to be buried. Flowers and a tree grew where the burial took place.
• I see it as an act of me surrendering my past to God after He led me to find the root of my pain. When I handed it over to Jesus, He placed it into a box, and if the burden is too heavy for me He will carry it with me to be buried away. Both acts reminded me that God doesn't want me to go through or carry my burden alone. Matthew 11:28-30 (NKJV) says "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
• He can turn my past into beautiful future because of this everlasting truth: He loves me.

Thank You Father for Your affirmation of Your love to me through this movie. I can only say "Father, I love you too".

Heart of Gratitude - Day 01 of 10

Sis Min popped this suggestion to express our gratitude to God for 10-days from one of her lessons. Her teacher taught the class that such action brings "good spiritual harmony". Wokay, let's start with DAY 1 of 10!

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

For His mercy endures forever.

~ Psalm 118:1 (NKJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,
Today is Labour Day holiday, thank You for the rest day. I thank You for sis Min to get me started to thank You for what You had done in my life. In the Bible especially the book of Psalms, there are so many things that the psalmist thanked You for: You creation, mercy and love, grace, protection, peace, and they even gave thanks to You in the midst of their pain and suffering. This is mind-boggling for me at times, and only by Your grace and the work of the Holy Spirit I can understand and accept Your heart and love for me.

Thank You Father God for speaking to me today when I was decluttering my stuff. I am reminded that through the years You are faithful to me; You have always loved me and never left me. You alone are worthy to be praised!

Thank You Father for my sister's cooking tonight. It's been a while I last had nasi lemak, haha..

Thank You for the cell meet tonight. It's been a wonderful time of praising and worshiping You together with my cell members. I thank You for Leeps' sharing and encouragement to us to continue relying and trusting You when we go through difficult times, trials and temptation because You are preparing us for great works in Your kingdom. I give You thanks for all Your goodness in our lives.

Good night Father, I love you!

Decluttering - 20200501

It's Labour Day holiday! I decided to clear my stuff from accumulated old bills, receipts and letters from banks, haha...

I came across many old notebooks and sketch books/papers dated back to 2011/2012. Hmm.. no longer needed, no longer relevant, throw throw throw...

Ah, I finally found my blood donation booklet! Now I can continue to donate blood, haha..

I picked up a little red booklet "Affirmations" and opened up to check the content.

Written on the first page "21 Oct. 1994 - This gift is for LAI KAH LENG from MISS LOH P.C." Tears came... this is my Form 1's English teacher and CF advisor... she gifted this little booklet during the CF meet when I was preparing for my SPM...

She probably saw in me back then that I yearned for affirmations from people in my life. I think she must have wanted me to know God's affirmation for me - my identity as His beloved daughter and not seeking it from others.

I couldn't stop tearing as I flipped through each page filled with Bible verses broken down into 5 sections...

• I am known by God
• I am loved by God
• I am forgiven by God
• I am affirmed by God
• I am enabled by God

Dear Father God, I truly thank You for Ms Loh, not only because she inspired me to love English literature and improve in my command in this language, but because now I know she loved me as Your child too. I pray that she will be greatly blessed by You to continue to love and serve You, in Jesus' name, amen.

Oh wow, now arranging BSF notes on book of John.. booklets from ODB... key chains, LIONS Club's pins, books, and more books and notes and bills and receipts and...

I saw my old mini speaker, broken into pieces. The old memory of that heated argument with her resulting in her grabbing and throwing it on to the floor came back like it just happened yesterday. I remember feeling so hurt and cried that day as I picked up the pieces after she left. I tried to fix the speaker because it was one of my treasured gift to myself but it never sounded the same anymore. I tried to search online few days after that incident to buy the same item but it's no longer available. I wondered why I kept it till now... Oh well, it's already passed. Dear Father, I surrender that day into Your hand all my pain, anger and hurt. Please forgive me and her for our wrongs against each other and towards You I pray. I now throw this broken speaker away as my act of surrendering and moving on in my life by accepting Your love and healing for me, thank You Father ~

Yippee yay-yay, done decluttering for today. Too bad the recycling centres are still closed due to MCO... gotta wait till they are allowed to operate so I can send all the papers away.

I am sorry because...

I can't really recall when I started to apologise for everything. I will say sorry to anyone about anything even though it is not needed or not my fault. Somewhere inside me, this "over-apologising" button is switched on and possibly jammed.

26 April 2020
Today I apologised to Mic during a text exchange in the chat group when I saw her surprised response to my interest in a topic that is being presented in Mandarin-only.

"Why are you apologizing?... I know this but why? Why do you need to be responsible for my surprise?"

Ouch, Mic's sharp questions piercing directly into my heart and mind. Yes, all my 3 friends Mic+Min+ST knows about my competency level in Mandarin language, but back to Mic's questions...

Why am I apologising? -  I think I have caused her to be unnecessarily surprised with my interest in the topic that is presented in Mandarin. I told her my interest is diverse and it's hard for me to explain, thus I felt I should apologise first if the surprise is causing discomfort in her. I tend to believe that if I apologise in advance, then I don't have to worry if I really "hurt" the other person... or at least soften his/her reaction so that I can have the chance to explain if needed to...

Why do I need to be responsible for other people's feeling or reaction? - This is tough to answer. I was asked the same question in one of my conversation with pastors when they noticed I kept saying "sorry" even though I have not done anything wrong. I don't know why I find it easier to say "I'm sorry" than "Excuse me". Something is wrong with me somewhere.

As I pondered on this "apologising" issue, I asked myself:

1. What am I trying to achieve by apologising in advance?
• I am trying to avoid possible conflict, confrontation.
• I am trying to be nice or polite.
• Low self-esteem, or no boundaries/"I'm not important" - identity issue (I learnt this during my counseling sessions)

2. Do I do that to everyone, or certain people? Why?
• I think everyone, well, almost everyone including strangers as far as I can recall.
• When I was an e-hailing driver, I would say "I'm sorry, is this where you want to go?". Or if I wanted to get help, I'd say "I'm sorry, may I know/can you help me...?" Gee... recalling all the "sorry" incident is scary now (what on earth was I thinking back then with all the "sorry"? What happened to "Excuse me"??)
• Err, I think it's also towards people I care about.
• I am fearful of losing the relationships. I have lost many relationships in the past that could have linked to the way I interacted with them, which I think could be due to my wrong tone/choice of words/intention.
• I wanted the relationship to be OK at all time even if we don't interact often, so much so that I became overly sensitive about how they think/feel...
• Suddenly the word "pride" sprang up in my mind. I was too proud to admit my mistakes in the past and it cost me dearly in my relationships. Just the thought of people I lost due to my pride hurts me now. I thank God for 2 years ago that I managed to sincerely apologise to a couple of friends/ex-colleagues. Now and then whenever I am able to find the contact, I will try to apologise but not placing high hope that they will forgive me... well, at least I know I have done my part and I have the peace to move on.

3. What can I do if I feel like "apologising" even though I have not done anything wrong?
• I'll pause and think if I have done anything wrong. Note to self: - no need to apologise unless I have done wrongly. Or practice "silence is golden", probably the safest approach I can think of for now.
• If it's a question, I'll rephrase them politely. Time to use "Excuse me" appropriately.
• I'll just smile and say "Thank you". Or just smile/grin and nod my head. Turning "apology" to "gratitude".
• This needs my Father God's love and help, plus greater self-awareness and practice: I am important just like the others. I have my boundaries too, and I will continue to build healthy boundaries with others. It's OK to be compassionate and caring towards others, but not to the extend of making myself like a "doormat" hence exhausting myself unnecessarily.

I guess I'll stop here for now. I'll post again when this topic pops up in my reflection.

Dear my Father God, please walk with me on this journey of building healthy relationship with people in my life. Please help me to trust You completely that it is Your love to me that my identity is secured in Jesus Christ. I pray that I am always be reminded by the Holy Spirit that I am so loved by You so that I can learn to love others with Your love. In Jesus' name I ask and pray, amen.

SQL

SQL - Structured Query Language (started muttering to myself inaudible words while looking at the computer screen)

My colleague sent me a SQL script to be fixed, and I spent almost 6-hours today trying to solve a seemingly simple logic to place the person's title to their name. You probably wondered what happened, or why did I took such a long time to solve a simple request. In fact, he pointed out the specific section to work on but after I read what the other colleague wrote in the email and a phone call to clarify the actual reporting needed, I know I need to rework on the logic.

Honestly speaking, I have not touched this SQL subject for more than 15 years and my skill is quite bad (not to mention I left IT completely for other industries for 6-7 years... which is another post for another day). I am quite stressed out from thinking how to solve the problem because I have forgotten 90% of the SQL syntax. Haha... my completed coding today looked like I have just attended my 1st SQL lesson in beginners' class, peppered with lots of comments of why I coded it that logic in a particular manner. I must admit, my thinking skill is not as fast and strong as 20 years ago. Even though I still can write out the logical flow on the paper, it's a different matter when it comes to the actual coding. Oh wow... this SQL thing is looking daunting each day to me now...

Both my good friend Mich and my mentor Soo encouraged me to take up courses to pick up the SQL skill again. With this MCO currently in place to combat the COVID-19 pandemic, going for a physical class is not yet possible. I tried to use the online tutorials and I have trouble understanding and relating to what they are trying to teach me. Is this a sign of my age catching up and it is affecting my concentration and understanding? Or there is something deeper inside me that is slowing me down? Mich offered to help me and I thanked God for her as she helped to explain and gave me some ideas how to get started.

Perhaps I am overly anxious to be skilled in SQL again and hence pushing (err... forcing rather) myself to be competent in shortest time possible. My shoulder, upper back and neck pains are back, an obvious sign that I am stressing myself out. I know that despite what my Head of Department told me to learn as much as I can, but me being me (again?!), have set upon myself a very high bar to be achieved. Now I am in 2nd month of my 6-month probation period and the gnawing feeling that I have yet to improve my skill is bothering me. I can sense my old-self of 'performance-orientation', 'I can't fail' and 'I can't let people down' are resurfacing. Oh boy... the pain is unbearable... going to knock off for tonight and I just told my Father God "Help me, please take over the control of my life because I am afraid of crashing again!"