I am sorry because...

I can't really recall when I started to apologise for everything. I will say sorry to anyone about anything even though it is not needed or not my fault. Somewhere inside me, this "over-apologising" button is switched on and possibly jammed.

26 April 2020
Today I apologised to Mic during a text exchange in the chat group when I saw her surprised response to my interest in a topic that is being presented in Mandarin-only.

"Why are you apologizing?... I know this but why? Why do you need to be responsible for my surprise?"

Ouch, Mic's sharp questions piercing directly into my heart and mind. Yes, all my 3 friends Mic+Min+ST knows about my competency level in Mandarin language, but back to Mic's questions...

Why am I apologising? -  I think I have caused her to be unnecessarily surprised with my interest in the topic that is presented in Mandarin. I told her my interest is diverse and it's hard for me to explain, thus I felt I should apologise first if the surprise is causing discomfort in her. I tend to believe that if I apologise in advance, then I don't have to worry if I really "hurt" the other person... or at least soften his/her reaction so that I can have the chance to explain if needed to...

Why do I need to be responsible for other people's feeling or reaction? - This is tough to answer. I was asked the same question in one of my conversation with pastors when they noticed I kept saying "sorry" even though I have not done anything wrong. I don't know why I find it easier to say "I'm sorry" than "Excuse me". Something is wrong with me somewhere.

As I pondered on this "apologising" issue, I asked myself:

1. What am I trying to achieve by apologising in advance?
• I am trying to avoid possible conflict, confrontation.
• I am trying to be nice or polite.
• Low self-esteem, or no boundaries/"I'm not important" - identity issue (I learnt this during my counseling sessions)

2. Do I do that to everyone, or certain people? Why?
• I think everyone, well, almost everyone including strangers as far as I can recall.
• When I was an e-hailing driver, I would say "I'm sorry, is this where you want to go?". Or if I wanted to get help, I'd say "I'm sorry, may I know/can you help me...?" Gee... recalling all the "sorry" incident is scary now (what on earth was I thinking back then with all the "sorry"? What happened to "Excuse me"??)
• Err, I think it's also towards people I care about.
• I am fearful of losing the relationships. I have lost many relationships in the past that could have linked to the way I interacted with them, which I think could be due to my wrong tone/choice of words/intention.
• I wanted the relationship to be OK at all time even if we don't interact often, so much so that I became overly sensitive about how they think/feel...
• Suddenly the word "pride" sprang up in my mind. I was too proud to admit my mistakes in the past and it cost me dearly in my relationships. Just the thought of people I lost due to my pride hurts me now. I thank God for 2 years ago that I managed to sincerely apologise to a couple of friends/ex-colleagues. Now and then whenever I am able to find the contact, I will try to apologise but not placing high hope that they will forgive me... well, at least I know I have done my part and I have the peace to move on.

3. What can I do if I feel like "apologising" even though I have not done anything wrong?
• I'll pause and think if I have done anything wrong. Note to self: - no need to apologise unless I have done wrongly. Or practice "silence is golden", probably the safest approach I can think of for now.
• If it's a question, I'll rephrase them politely. Time to use "Excuse me" appropriately.
• I'll just smile and say "Thank you". Or just smile/grin and nod my head. Turning "apology" to "gratitude".
• This needs my Father God's love and help, plus greater self-awareness and practice: I am important just like the others. I have my boundaries too, and I will continue to build healthy boundaries with others. It's OK to be compassionate and caring towards others, but not to the extend of making myself like a "doormat" hence exhausting myself unnecessarily.

I guess I'll stop here for now. I'll post again when this topic pops up in my reflection.

Dear my Father God, please walk with me on this journey of building healthy relationship with people in my life. Please help me to trust You completely that it is Your love to me that my identity is secured in Jesus Christ. I pray that I am always be reminded by the Holy Spirit that I am so loved by You so that I can learn to love others with Your love. In Jesus' name I ask and pray, amen.