Foot in the mouth

My feeling for the past few hours can be sum up like this saying: Foot in my mouth.

Shucks... felt teruk case, really hit rock bottom... I want to just lock myself in a cupboard and hide myself away for a long long time, and telling everyone to "leave me alone"... sigh... I forgot the golden rule I have been keeping for so long: keep quiet if you have nothing better to say. I don't know what to say to a friend, and not responding seems rude, too. I ended blurting out something for the sake of saying something to break the silence and now I don't know how my friend feels after seeing my reply, as there is no respond from this friend for a long time.

*knocking my head so hard for being stupid*

My dear friend, I am sorry if my words have offended you.. I won't say anything next time that I think may hurt you. Knowing myself is not eloquent in words, I promise that I will just keep the thoughts to myself and hopefully you won't take me as cold towards you. I hope I am able to express my thought or feeling better, and that tonight I have failed you, please forgive me...

A letter to my grandmother

Dear Ah Po,

I know it's strange for me to write to you, knowing that you can't read English. Come 26th December, it's been 34 years since you left us, and I still missed you dearly. I knew you were sick; aunty told me something about cancer is causing you to sit there and resting most of the time. She told me and my siblings to be quiet so you can rest and sent us to church when there is no school. I learned from my counselors that I have never really grieved over your passing as I was only 8 that year when my mother told me that you will never come home to us.

I don't remember myself crying when I saw the casket that carried your body was placed for the wake service. While the Taoist ritual was conducted, and I just followed all the instructions from the priest, I don't feel anything. When the time has come to leave the house to your final resting place, I remembered walking behind the carriage with father and other relatives while mother stayed behind as she was pregnant with my youngest brother that you will never see nor carry in your loving arms. I watched aunties cried, and uncles' eyes were red. I stood there, watching silently as they lowered the coffin and finally closing the tomb with the earth. When all is done, I came home to a very different atmosphere. You are not there. There are no more smiles and hugs from you for me. I can't feel anything, it was like one part of my life died with you. I guessed that's one of the reasons why I boxed and threw all my emotions out the window and unable to process them properly all these years.

I just want to let you know that now I am crying as I write you this letter. I really, really, really miss you dearly. I wished I can say to you "I love you, Ah Po" and kiss and hug you tightly, and to hear your gentle, loving voice calling my name again. Looking back at the precious old photo where you carried me when I was 2 (or 3?), you looked so proud of me as your eldest grandchild (mother always tells me how you have cared for me since I was a baby, where I grew up and slept in your room till you were sick). I remember running to you and hiding behind you when mother wanted to punish me for being naughty, and you will tell her to stop (eventually I still get the rotan when you were not at home, haha...). I also remember sitting behind your chair, watching your back as you sat there sleeping with the cat on your belly. You never told me to get out of that place, other than when the time for lunch or dinner. That place behind your chair is like a safe place for me, haha...

This year, I finally able to cry and grief for your passing. It was a very sorrowful moment for me, and I hope you are not crying to see me crying. I told my counselors of my sadness and regrets, that I will never be able to see you in the after-life, as you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. Thinking of this fact makes me cry even harder because this separation is eternal. No matter what I do, it will not change this fact... but one thing I will always remember, that you have loved me so dearly as your granddaughter, and that fact will never change. I thank you, Ah Po, for your love for me. I will always remember your love for me. Goodbye Ah Po, I miss you and I love you forever - Your granddaughter, Ah Leng

New Assignment - Mastering Mandarin

I am given an assignment today: mastering my Mandarin language both in spoken and written form. Okay, probably not writing with pen but in typing the characters with the PinYin.

It is very challenging for me honestly. Yes, I did learn a bit of Mandarin back in school, but I skipped the classes because I find it difficult to write (thank God I can write my own name, just not so nice but you still can read it), and running out there with my friends in the school field was far more attractive to me.

Growing up in a Chinese-speaking church helped me with the basic command of this "difficult" language, as I was taught to sing the songs and memorize the scriptures in Mandarin. I had to memorise the Chinese characters by saying or playing the song repeatedly till I can recognize them. My ex-colleague Rac was very amused with my background in languages, with her own words: "I went to Chinese school and prays in English, but you went to Malay school and prays in Mandarin". Well, there is a bit of regret in me for not able to read or write in my own language... and from now on I need to make the effort to officially make Mandarin as my next language I am fluent with, so wish me all the best =)

Looking back...

13 November 2011
Isaiah 6:8 - Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" (NIV)

I looked back into my FB postings recently, and this memory popped up. I actually wondered, why did I post this status back then in 2011? What was I thinking of when Isaiah 6:8 came up, and what was I responding to the Lord about the "send me" part? Looks like I have to do some deep digging into my memory in that year...

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Just about a day ago, I was having a chat over WhatsApp with my two friends on writing down our life stories through journals and blogging. After much hesitation and contemplation, I decided to open up my blogs to them, which I have been keeping it private all these years. Reasons for keeping my blogs private: because I believed that no one will be interested to read it anyway, or probably too shocking for them and I was afraid of being judged, and the worst-case - losing them after they found out the truth about me. Reasons for opening my blogs to them: my heart told me it's OK to be vulnerable to them, that something in my past may be of good use for them too. It was daunting to hang on to the decision of opening the door to my dark past, so I held my breath while wondering and thinking about their responses after reading my posts.

Mic did actually went on to read and "devoured" my blog posts, finding some of my posts quite hilarious to her and then wondered if there are more stories. I can imagine she probably would have LOLROTF (laughed out loud till rolling on the floor) if she is at her home (thank goodness she told me she laughed in her mind as she read them in the train) and amused, as in her own description "Seriously enjoying your blog with all the real emotions expressed in words. Fantastic~". I am amazed at myself now that I actually used words to describe my feelings back then. Finally, she remarked: You MIA 8 years... How you went thru it, I wonder. Yeah, I wondered to myself too... The gap between my last post in 2011 to the one back in October 2019 is exactly 8 years... that is one heck of a long gap, mind you...

And poor Min (gasp!), she probably have to go through hundreds of unread messages that Mic and I exchanged that night as she was busy with some tasks...

I do try to update what happened in my life during that 8 years' gap, mostly in my FB. What do I update in there? Things that I wanted people to see the "nice and dandy" and "glittering" me. Unlike this little space, where I actually will post my real thoughts in here and where I can be my true self, showing all the good and ugly side of me. "8 years.. hiding, running away, suppressing all emotions, denying my own existence, pretended or live as a different person, got into depression and refuse to acknowledge it, cannot differentiate between laughter and tears... I also don't know how I actually went through the 8 years..." was my reply to Mic. I don't dare to post anything that shows the other side of me in the FB; I kept all my dark secrets and moments in my head and did not even post it in here. I believe it is only by God's grace and His relentless love that has kept me alive and not falling further from Him all these years, which, if I have the time, will write it down as my reflections...

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So, coming back to my FB post dated 13 November 2011 on Isaiah 6:8.. gee.. I still cannot think of the reason for the post! I will have to write it down when the thought come..

Hello my blog space, it's been years since I last posted anything here. I feel like I can't talk to anyone.. so typing it out I hope will help me find some answers.

Today, I am feeling very low, defeated. I want to cry, but the tears is not coming out. I feel so useless and stupid. I am angry with myself for not doing things right. I hate this feeling of not able to do simple things right. I believe I am trying too hard to meet others' expectation on me, and it hurts when I am not doing it right. There is a shame in me when the leaders want to bring up certain things that I believe is caused by my thoughts and actions. The fear of punishments and rejections is very bad right now in my heart. Why is it so hard for me to be a good team member? Why am I repeating the same mistakes over and over again? When will I ever learn and not make anymore stupid mistakes? Now I feel like anything I do, it can turn out to be a mistake and a burden to others. I feel like I am only good for really low ranking jobs and not fit to do anything independently. I feel so stuck. I actually feel like dying so that I don't be a burden to anyone, so that they don't have to think or wonder what to do with me. I feel like running away and stay away from everyone so that I don't be a burden to anyone. I don't want to let people down and disappointed with me. Am I back to people pleasing? It sure look and feel like one now. I just want to let people know I can be good in the tasks given to me. I am trying too hard and it pains me when I sense my effort or intention is not good enough or up to my expectation.

I am afraid of losing my job again. I am afraid of my future and finance instability. There are so many things I am afraid of that I have difficulties typing out what is in my head and heart right now. I feel the depression is coming over me, and I am sorry Father God, I just want to cry in Your embrace. Please just let me cry, please? I am so lost right now and I can't think straight or clearly 😭