Dear Ah Po,
I know it's strange for me to write to you, knowing that you can't read English. Come 26th December, it's been 34 years since you left us, and I still missed you dearly. I knew you were sick; aunty told me something about cancer is causing you to sit there and resting most of the time. She told me and my siblings to be quiet so you can rest and sent us to church when there is no school. I learned from my counselors that I have never really grieved over your passing as I was only 8 that year when my mother told me that you will never come home to us.
I don't remember myself crying when I saw the casket that carried your body was placed for the wake service. While the Taoist ritual was conducted, and I just followed all the instructions from the priest, I don't feel anything. When the time has come to leave the house to your final resting place, I remembered walking behind the carriage with father and other relatives while mother stayed behind as she was pregnant with my youngest brother that you will never see nor carry in your loving arms. I watched aunties cried, and uncles' eyes were red. I stood there, watching silently as they lowered the coffin and finally closing the tomb with the earth. When all is done, I came home to a very different atmosphere. You are not there. There are no more smiles and hugs from you for me. I can't feel anything, it was like one part of my life died with you. I guessed that's one of the reasons why I boxed and threw all my emotions out the window and unable to process them properly all these years.
I just want to let you know that now I am crying as I write you this letter. I really, really, really miss you dearly. I wished I can say to you "I love you, Ah Po" and kiss and hug you tightly, and to hear your gentle, loving voice calling my name again. Looking back at the precious old photo where you carried me when I was 2 (
or 3?), you looked so proud of me as your eldest grandchild (
mother always tells me how you have cared for me since I was a baby, where I grew up and slept in your room till you were sick). I remember running to you and hiding behind you when mother wanted to punish me for being naughty, and you will tell her to stop (
eventually I still get the rotan when you were not at home, haha...). I also remember sitting behind your chair, watching your back as you sat there sleeping with the cat on your belly. You never told me to get out of that place, other than when the time for lunch or dinner. That place behind your chair is like a safe place for me, haha...
This year, I finally able to cry and grief for your passing. It was a very sorrowful moment for me, and I hope you are not crying to see me crying. I told my counselors of my sadness and regrets, that I will never be able to see you in the after-life, as you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. Thinking of this fact makes me cry even harder because this separation is eternal. No matter what I do, it will not change this fact... but one thing I will always remember, that you have loved me so dearly as your granddaughter, and that fact will never change. I thank you, Ah Po, for your love for me. I will always remember your love for me. Goodbye Ah Po, I miss you and I love you forever - Your granddaughter, Ah Leng
