13 November 2011
Isaiah 6:8 - Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" (NIV)
I looked back into my FB postings recently, and this memory popped up. I actually wondered, why did I post this status back then in 2011? What was I thinking of when Isaiah 6:8 came up, and what was I responding to the Lord about the "send me" part? Looks like I have to do some deep digging into my memory in that year...
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Just about a day ago, I was having a chat over WhatsApp with my two friends on writing down our life stories through journals and blogging. After much hesitation and contemplation, I decided to open up my blogs to them, which I have been keeping it private all these years.
Reasons for keeping my blogs private: because I believed that no one will be interested to read it anyway, or probably too shocking for them and I was afraid of being judged, and the worst-case - losing them after they found out the truth about me.
Reasons for opening my blogs to them: my heart told me it's OK to be vulnerable to them, that something in my past may be of good use for them too. It was daunting to hang on to the decision of opening the door to my dark past, so I held my breath while wondering and thinking about their responses after reading my posts.
Mic did actually went on to read and "devoured" my blog posts, finding some of my posts quite hilarious to her and then wondered if there are more stories. I can imagine she probably would have LOLROTF
(laughed out loud till rolling on the floor) if she is at her home
(thank goodness she told me she laughed in her mind as she read them in the train) and amused, as in her own description "
Seriously enjoying your blog with all the real emotions expressed in words. Fantastic~". I am amazed at myself now that I actually used words to describe my feelings back then. Finally, she remarked:
You MIA 8 years... How you went thru it, I wonder. Yeah, I wondered to myself too... The gap between my last post in 2011 to the one back in October 2019 is exactly 8 years... that is one heck of a long gap, mind you...
And poor Min (gasp!), she probably have to go through hundreds of unread messages that Mic and I exchanged that night as she was busy with some tasks...
I do try to update what happened in my life during that 8 years' gap, mostly in my FB. What do I update in there? Things that I wanted people to see the "nice and dandy" and "glittering" me. Unlike this little space, where I actually will post my real thoughts in here and where I can be my true self, showing all the good and ugly side of me. "
8 years.. hiding, running away, suppressing all emotions, denying my own existence, pretended or live as a different person, got into depression and refuse to acknowledge it, cannot differentiate between laughter and tears... I also don't know how I actually went through the 8 years..." was my reply to Mic. I don't dare to post anything that shows the other side of me in the FB; I kept all my dark secrets and moments in my head and did not even post it in here. I believe it is only by God's grace and His relentless love that has kept me alive and not falling further from Him all these years, which, if I have the time, will write it down as my reflections...
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So, coming back to my FB post dated 13 November 2011 on Isaiah 6:8.. gee.. I still cannot think of the reason for the post! I will have to write it down when the thought come..
