Hello my blog space, it's been years since I last posted anything here. I feel like I can't talk to anyone.. so typing it out I hope will help me find some answers.

Today, I am feeling very low, defeated. I want to cry, but the tears is not coming out. I feel so useless and stupid. I am angry with myself for not doing things right. I hate this feeling of not able to do simple things right. I believe I am trying too hard to meet others' expectation on me, and it hurts when I am not doing it right. There is a shame in me when the leaders want to bring up certain things that I believe is caused by my thoughts and actions. The fear of punishments and rejections is very bad right now in my heart. Why is it so hard for me to be a good team member? Why am I repeating the same mistakes over and over again? When will I ever learn and not make anymore stupid mistakes? Now I feel like anything I do, it can turn out to be a mistake and a burden to others. I feel like I am only good for really low ranking jobs and not fit to do anything independently. I feel so stuck. I actually feel like dying so that I don't be a burden to anyone, so that they don't have to think or wonder what to do with me. I feel like running away and stay away from everyone so that I don't be a burden to anyone. I don't want to let people down and disappointed with me. Am I back to people pleasing? It sure look and feel like one now. I just want to let people know I can be good in the tasks given to me. I am trying too hard and it pains me when I sense my effort or intention is not good enough or up to my expectation.

I am afraid of losing my job again. I am afraid of my future and finance instability. There are so many things I am afraid of that I have difficulties typing out what is in my head and heart right now. I feel the depression is coming over me, and I am sorry Father God, I just want to cry in Your embrace. Please just let me cry, please? I am so lost right now and I can't think straight or clearly 😭