Heart of Gratitude - Day 09 of 10

I will praise the Lord according to His righteousness,

And will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High.

~ Psalm 7:17

Dear Father God,
It's been an interesting Saturday for me. I thank You for a time of bonding with my sister over a simple breakfast and chat on some interesting topics about the Covid-19 pandemic and politics.

I thank You Father for Your mercy to me although I fallen last night to my flesh's desire. It was tough moment for me but I know You are cheering for me to get up and bounce back from that hiccup. I thank You Holy Spirit for reminding me of our post-SG sharing last week about continuing with our journey from where we stopped/fallen instead of restarting all over. Yeap, thank You Lord Jesus, I can trust in Your strength and love to keep walking in Your holiness.

I thank You Lord Jesus for the reading of Your Word for the past 2 weeks with my cell members on the Old Testament. It helped me to understand Romans 1-8 better when I attended the e-Bible Study class today. Thank You Father for the sharing by everyone in the class, I learned a simple and better way about how the law and Your grace governs our lives with the analogy of airplane working under the law of gravity and aerodynamic. I thank You for the next class that we get to re-read Romans 1-8 to hear from You for new revelation.

Father, I just want to give You thanks for our group Zoom chat tonight. I am greatly encouraged by the honest sharing by Mic, Min and ST. May You continue to be the centre of our friendship and teach us to love and care for each other with Christ's love. I am grateful to You that Mic is willing to have the new exercise mat due to the seller had refused to cancel my order earlier.

Thank You Father for giving me Your peace and rest tonight. I love You, Father, good night *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 08 of 10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
~ Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)

Dear Father,
I thank You for the reading of Proverbs 3:5-6 today. I give You all the glory because of all the help You have given to me this week to accomplish the tasks assigned to me. When I trust in You and acknowledge You in all my ways from the start to the end of my day, You made my path smoother and I don't have to strife.

Thank You Holy Spirit for a short chat with Doreen. It's been 2-3 months we last see each other in church, and it's really lovely when we are both prompted to text each other today. People called this coincident, but I call ed it "the work of the Holy Spirit".

Thank You Father for a time of reflection after listening to a short sermon about Your love. This MCO has taught me so much about Your love, how much You love me and how I can love You despite what I am going through each day. You are a good Father, and I can't thank You enough for what You have done and doing for me.

Today Daniel shared in the cell meet about the "armour of God". I thank You Lord of his reminder that I need to keep the armour on at all times, not only during challenging time but also during the good time as the enemy is getting more desperate and cunning to reclaim me. Father, please help me to keep my heart safely in Your hands that no matter what the enemy is trying to do to me, I can trust in Your protection because of Your love to me.

Good night Father, I love You *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 07 of 10

And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

~Colossians 3:17 (NKJV)

Father,
How time really flies by, and with a blink of the eye it's already coming to the end of 1st week of May 2020. I thank You for Your blessings and a fruitful day today for me. Thank You Father for the mobile accessories shops are opened for business and I can get the screen protector for my phone.

Thank You Holy Spirit, for Your help to me when I went through my SQL learning. I can understand the structure better as I surrendered myself to You, knowing that it is by Your power and might that my mind can absorb the lesson better than yesterday. I am grateful to You Lord Jesus as You gave me another small victory over my temptation to "do it myself".

I thank You Lord for my personal altar to praise and worship You. Honestly, Father, I longed for the days when I can be in the corporate prayer altars with my cell members to just praise and worship You for who You are. I trust in You that we will be able to meet together again in Jesus Christ's name when the MCO is officially ended.

Thank You Lord, for a simple dinner at my parents' home today before we join the online class by MBS about the heresy groups. I thank You Father, for keeping both my parents healthy and safe. I thank You Father for the hope and prayer that one day my father's name will be written in the Book of Life, together with my mother, myself and my siblings.

I thank You Father that the online sellers have sent out my orders to the logistic hubs. I give You all my thanks as I can get the chair and the HDF boards soon.

Thank You Lord for giving me the night to rest my body and mind. May the shalom of the Lord Jesus Christ be with me and my loved ones, good night Father *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 06 of 10

Let all that I am praise the Lord;

may I never forget the good things He does for me.

~ Psalm 103:2 (NLT)

Dear Father God,

Thank You Father for Your Word shared in the e-chapel service today. Indeed, there are so much fear going on in this world and in our own lives, but in 2 Timothy 1:7 it is written "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I thank You for this reminder to me to always trust in You and not to give in to my fear.

It was a good time spent with my colleagues in the e-chapel when we get to do a simple booklet as a reminder of Your goodness in our lives. Thank You Lord, for a hilarious ending to our meeting as we laughed at each other's weird hairdo for "creative competition". I wished I can be as brave as them to do funny and silly style with my hair, but I guess I was not ready yet...

Thank You Lord for small progress in my work today, I know You have helped me to understand the code better than yesterday.

I thank You Father for the online sharing that I followed today. The pastor's explanation of the current Covid-19 with biblical reference gave me a clearer understanding of the end times and Jesus Christ's return. Thank You Lord Jesus for Your grace for us that we are given time to repent from our sins and to return to You, and also the chance for us to go and share the good news of Your salvation to our loved ones who are unbelievers.

Yay! Thank You Father for tomorrow is a public holiday so that I can have the time to catch up with some reading and reflections. I am looking forward to have deeper time to spend with You in Your presence.

Good night Father =) *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 05 of 10

Let me shout God’s name with a praising song,

Let me tell his greatness in a prayer of thanks.

~ Psalm 69:30 (MSG)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank You Lord for a good rest last night, and I have had a good morning spending my quiet time with You in Your presence. Thank You for speaking to me through the reading of Elijah's story where You refreshed and strengthened him for his next assignment when he fled from Jezebel after defeating the Baal's team earlier with Your power. I know that You are preparing me step by step each day for Your own glory, and I can just trust in Your heart and Your plan for my life.

Father, it's been quite a tough day today for me as I struggled with a reporting task. Thank You Holy Spirit for Your gentle nudging in my heart to join the e-bible reading today with my cell members although I don't feel like doing so. I am blessed with the reading on Numbers 1-9 and the sharing of what each of us received from You after that. As I continued with my task, I thank You for bringing into my mind to contact Johnny to seek his help. He is still the same ol' Johnny after I last met him 7 years ago in en ex-colleague's wedding reception, haha.. I am grateful to You Father as he took time to explain to me some of the ways to get the result despite his tight schedule. I felt like my SQL understanding is improved by 0.01%, which I am truly very happy for that small improvement. I pray that You will bless him with good customers as the business after MCO is very challenging for him.

Thank You Father for the email from WVM management that we can return to the office on 1st of June 2020. Till then, I will keep thanking You for Your protection for my back and shoulder from turning super painful as I wait for a proper chair that I purchased online to arrive soon.

Thank You Father for the invention of air-conditioner so that I can have a cooler room to rest for tonight. Good night Father, see You tomorrow for new adventure with You!

Heart of Gratitude - Day 04 of 10

Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving;

Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.

For the Lord is the great God,

And the great King above all gods.

~ Psalm 95:2-3 (NKJV)

Dear Father,

It's Monday, a new week of working-from-home. Thank You for being with me throughout the day as I worked on my tasks today. Although my skill is still far-off than what I used to have, I am thankful to You Holy Spirit because You have comforted me by assuring I have tried my best for the day.

Thank You Father for the sighting of the rainbow in the evening. It's a beautiful and relaxing moment as I watched Your creation slowly fades into the evening sky. Even the birds were singing in praises to You and I thank You Lord for a splendid way to end my day surrounded by the nature.

Thank You Father for Mic's sharing of some videos to help me deal with my shoulder and upper back pain. Apparently my situation is called "rounded shoulder" because I have not been practicing proper posture when I sat down. Haha... Father, I remembered my schooling days when I slouched because I was ashamed to be a girl (I know it's a strange thing to do despite being in all-girls environment, forgive me Father for those times when I denied Your design for me). I thank You for Rac because she noticed my slouching and in her own special way helped me to stop the bad posture. Thank You Father for the arrival of the back support today and it fits me well despite my initial doubt of their measurement.

Thank You again Father, for the rest You have prepared for me tonight. I pray for the shalom from my dear Lord Jesus Christ to envelop me and my loved ones, and I thank You for You are protecting us from all harms even in our sleeps. Good night Father, I love You for loving me *hugs*

Heart of Gratitude - Day 03 of 10

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

His faithful love endures forever."

~ Psalm 107:1 (NLT)

Dear Father God,

There are many things I want to thank You for today.

• Thank You for a good and hearty laugh that myself and my sisters-in-Christ in 战友 group chat had last night (it spilled over to midnight, haha...)
• I thank You for today's Sunday messages delivered through your servants, and the intimate moment with Christ Jesus during the partaking of the Holy Communion together with my mother. It's been a while since we last had Holy Communion together as mother-daughter in the same service, thank You again Father for this precious moment.
• Thank You for Your revelation to me of Christ's love and Your power through Ephesians 3:20.
• Thank You Father for answering my prayer when I asked for Your help to write my sharing for GRCA Taiwan 2019. I thank You Father, for without the help from Your Holy Spirit, I will still be stuck at "what to write?" stage and the pain on my shoulder wouldn't have left because I have stressed myself out earlier.
• I thank You Father for this small victory of overcoming the inner urge to "do it on my own". Help me to remember, Holy Spirit, to always seek my Father's face before I do anything, thank You Lord.
• Thank You Father, that the MCO is gradually lifted in my country. I pray for Your protection for everyone who is returning to work not only from this Covid-19 but also their travelling and safety.
• Thank You Father for wonderful music pieces from Dan Musselman to accompany me each time when I sit down to do my reflections. Through him, Father, You have comforted me whenever I am stressed or lost for direction. May You continue to increase his talent in music for Your kingdom.

Thank You Father, I give to You my praises and worship for the rest You have prepared for me tonight. I love You, Father ❤. Good night.

Ephesians 3:20

I was listening to a sermon today and the speaker mentioned Ephesians 3:20 which caused me to stop the video and reflect on this verse.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us" ~ Ephesians 3:20 (NKJV)

I have heard this verse quoted so many times, and quite a number of messages relates to things or matters that we want God to bless us with. I asked the Lord this question in my heart: Father, I have heard people's interpretation of this verse in the past, but when Paul wrote this, what is that thing that You are able to do in my life? In my case, surely not only blessings or healing, right?

I decided to look up the Bible and read the verses that preceded verse 20 for understanding.

"14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." ~ Ephesians 3:14-21 (NKJV)

Verses 17 and 19 caught my attention with a word - love. I believe Paul is telling the Ephesians to ask God for Christ's love in their lives and not the usual "bless me, heal me, etc" prayers that I always hear. Also, the word power in verse 20 refers to power of God which the Lord reminded me to not rely on my own power to love Him.  Haha... I am likening this power to the analogy of a power-bank that I use as backup to my electronic devices - if the power-bank is not connected to the main electricity to be recharged, it lost it's function as a charger when I need to use it. Yeap, I am that power-bank and I need God to recharge me at all times, without Him I can't live my life according to His fullness for me.

Thank You Father because now my new understanding of Ephesians 3:20 is pointing me to the love of Christ for me above all else in my life. Father, You are able to fill me with Christ's love when I ask from You and may the power of the Holy Spirit enable me to always be filled with Your love and Your fullness, amen.

Heart of Gratitude - Day 02 of 10

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

For His mercy endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34 (NKJV)

Dear Father God,

I thank You for a clear day today after few days of cooling and rainy days. I am grateful to You that You gives creative ideas to people to make tools that can help me to reduce the pain on my shoulder and back when I can't go to seek medical relieve during this MCO period.

I thank You for the e-bible reading with my cell members; we finished the book of Leviticus. If all the strict laws and commandments to govern the life in the Old Testament is still in practice today, I think I will be overly stressed and strict with myself to meet or exceed Your standard. Thank You Jesus because You became the Lamb of God that was slain for our sins so that we can be redeemed and reconciled to God. Because of You, Lord Jesus, I can follow Your examples to live as the child of God who is dearly loved by Father God.

Thank You for the support group Zoom time today too. It's been a fruitful and encouraging time for me, and I believe the rest felt the same too.

Thank You Father! Good night, I love You *hugs* =)

Movie: The Shack (2017)

Recently Mic asked in the chat group if anyone watched this movie titled "The Shack". Curiously, I checked online about this movie and found out that it is based on the author's original story to his own children about human relationship with God. When the book got published and became famous, biblical scholars examined the content and pointed out a lot of the author's misrepresentation of God.  As Lisa always reminded me to "take the meat and throw the bone", my own understanding after watching the movie is the author had published the story without consulting with the church leaders for biblical accuracy and doctrinal truth.

The movie itself is quite good and I enjoyed the 2-hours with lots of reflection. Some of the observation I made:

• I am created to be loved by God.
• God never leaves me although in a lot of times, He seems to be like that to me especially when I go through pain and suffering. That God is not there is a lie from the enemy, and I renounce that lie in Jesus' name!
• God wants to know me although He already knew everything about me in advance.
• He wanted the intimate conversation and time with me as a father with his daughter. I guess my life will be very mundane and predictable if He always tells me what to do and I don't have any chance to talk to Him about my thoughts and feelings. Sounded like a dictator-led life if God really does that to me and it's just a matter of time before I rebel or give up my life altogether...
• God's love is meant to exist in relationships.
• The trinity relationship in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit is based on love. When He created this world and me, He did it with His love hence His love is already in me. My past experiences since childhood had distorted my view about His love for me, but Father God is loving me still.
• In our fallen world, our love is limited. We tend to abuse, manipulate, exploit and lie to each other in the relationships. We are selfish-being because we expect to be loved by others unconditionally but we decline to do the same to the others.
• I am precious to God.
• Like a loving father, He will stop for me when I go to Him. And I just need to go to Him as I am without setting any conditions with Him.
• God is good.
• If I knew Him and how much He loves me, even when I don't understand, I can know that He is working in my life for good and I can always trust Him.
• Don't look at the pain or think about the past but look to Jesus and He will make it OK for me.
• Honestly, this is challenging for me to do but I am willing to keep trying until it become natural to me.
• Step out from the boat and start walking in faith with Jesus.
• The boat represents my own strength, wisdom, standard, way, pain, past and even knowledge about God that had became stumbling blocks for me.
• Jesus came 2000 years ago and He challenged the religious Jews to about God. He is challenging me today too - can I be like Peter and walk on the water with Jesus by my side and my eyes fixed on Him alone?
• The scene where Mack running across the lake with Jesus is wonderful! He was having fun and there is no worry on his face as he ran with the Lord, because he knows Jesus is at his side and will help him from sinking. It will be more enjoyable to do everything with the Lord at my side, haha...
• God is the just Judge and I am not.
• I admit, I have always play the "judge". No wonder in my previous personality test the result for my "judging" trait was so high. I judges everything and everyone according to my standard, and when they failed, I become angry and hurt which I then project my negative emotion to either myself (self-condemnation, punishing myself to do even better, self-isolation) or others (revengeful thought, mean words, cold shoulder, etc).
• When I learn to see my life through His eyes and understand His heart, there will be less stress in my life.
• When I say "I forgive you/that person", do I really meant it? Or will I take back the judging seat and be my own judge? Dear Father, help me to truly and sincerely forgive and let You be the true Judge because I can't.
• I always hoped for pain-free life, but this is impossible.
• God promises a better life (not without pain, of course) for me if I put my trust in Him. I imagine my life is like the little girl in a car where I can enjoy the life journey because He is the driver ~ God is in control =)
• Because God loves me, He will keep working on me.
• The song "I am the clay, He is the potter" came up in my head. Yes Father, I am willing to be broken and moulded by You into useful vessel for Your kingdom. Please hold my heart as I go through the processes in You hand because I am fearful of the pain that I have to go through. I put my trust in You because I believe that I will come out stronger in You. Thank You Father, amen.
• My act of forgiveness to others without the help from God doesn't establish true relationship.
• The pain inside me (if I haven't not truly forgive and let go) will destroy me, robbing me of joy in my life and clipping/crippling my ability/capacity to love others. I will be stuck or possibly self-destruct if I won't or can't let go of my past.
• In the final scene, God journeyed with Mack to retrieve Missy's body from a cave. Mack handed Missy's body to Jesus and He placed her into the little coffin. Both Mack and Jesus carried it together to be buried. Flowers and a tree grew where the burial took place.
• I see it as an act of me surrendering my past to God after He led me to find the root of my pain. When I handed it over to Jesus, He placed it into a box, and if the burden is too heavy for me He will carry it with me to be buried away. Both acts reminded me that God doesn't want me to go through or carry my burden alone. Matthew 11:28-30 (NKJV) says "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
• He can turn my past into beautiful future because of this everlasting truth: He loves me.

Thank You Father for Your affirmation of Your love to me through this movie. I can only say "Father, I love you too".

Heart of Gratitude - Day 01 of 10

Sis Min popped this suggestion to express our gratitude to God for 10-days from one of her lessons. Her teacher taught the class that such action brings "good spiritual harmony". Wokay, let's start with DAY 1 of 10!

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!

For His mercy endures forever.

~ Psalm 118:1 (NKJV)

Dear Heavenly Father,
Today is Labour Day holiday, thank You for the rest day. I thank You for sis Min to get me started to thank You for what You had done in my life. In the Bible especially the book of Psalms, there are so many things that the psalmist thanked You for: You creation, mercy and love, grace, protection, peace, and they even gave thanks to You in the midst of their pain and suffering. This is mind-boggling for me at times, and only by Your grace and the work of the Holy Spirit I can understand and accept Your heart and love for me.

Thank You Father God for speaking to me today when I was decluttering my stuff. I am reminded that through the years You are faithful to me; You have always loved me and never left me. You alone are worthy to be praised!

Thank You Father for my sister's cooking tonight. It's been a while I last had nasi lemak, haha..

Thank You for the cell meet tonight. It's been a wonderful time of praising and worshiping You together with my cell members. I thank You for Leeps' sharing and encouragement to us to continue relying and trusting You when we go through difficult times, trials and temptation because You are preparing us for great works in Your kingdom. I give You thanks for all Your goodness in our lives.

Good night Father, I love you!

Decluttering - 20200501

It's Labour Day holiday! I decided to clear my stuff from accumulated old bills, receipts and letters from banks, haha...

I came across many old notebooks and sketch books/papers dated back to 2011/2012. Hmm.. no longer needed, no longer relevant, throw throw throw...

Ah, I finally found my blood donation booklet! Now I can continue to donate blood, haha..

I picked up a little red booklet "Affirmations" and opened up to check the content.

Written on the first page "21 Oct. 1994 - This gift is for LAI KAH LENG from MISS LOH P.C." Tears came... this is my Form 1's English teacher and CF advisor... she gifted this little booklet during the CF meet when I was preparing for my SPM...

She probably saw in me back then that I yearned for affirmations from people in my life. I think she must have wanted me to know God's affirmation for me - my identity as His beloved daughter and not seeking it from others.

I couldn't stop tearing as I flipped through each page filled with Bible verses broken down into 5 sections...

• I am known by God
• I am loved by God
• I am forgiven by God
• I am affirmed by God
• I am enabled by God

Dear Father God, I truly thank You for Ms Loh, not only because she inspired me to love English literature and improve in my command in this language, but because now I know she loved me as Your child too. I pray that she will be greatly blessed by You to continue to love and serve You, in Jesus' name, amen.

Oh wow, now arranging BSF notes on book of John.. booklets from ODB... key chains, LIONS Club's pins, books, and more books and notes and bills and receipts and...

I saw my old mini speaker, broken into pieces. The old memory of that heated argument with her resulting in her grabbing and throwing it on to the floor came back like it just happened yesterday. I remember feeling so hurt and cried that day as I picked up the pieces after she left. I tried to fix the speaker because it was one of my treasured gift to myself but it never sounded the same anymore. I tried to search online few days after that incident to buy the same item but it's no longer available. I wondered why I kept it till now... Oh well, it's already passed. Dear Father, I surrender that day into Your hand all my pain, anger and hurt. Please forgive me and her for our wrongs against each other and towards You I pray. I now throw this broken speaker away as my act of surrendering and moving on in my life by accepting Your love and healing for me, thank You Father ~

Yippee yay-yay, done decluttering for today. Too bad the recycling centres are still closed due to MCO... gotta wait till they are allowed to operate so I can send all the papers away.

I am sorry because...

I can't really recall when I started to apologise for everything. I will say sorry to anyone about anything even though it is not needed or not my fault. Somewhere inside me, this "over-apologising" button is switched on and possibly jammed.

26 April 2020
Today I apologised to Mic during a text exchange in the chat group when I saw her surprised response to my interest in a topic that is being presented in Mandarin-only.

"Why are you apologizing?... I know this but why? Why do you need to be responsible for my surprise?"

Ouch, Mic's sharp questions piercing directly into my heart and mind. Yes, all my 3 friends Mic+Min+ST knows about my competency level in Mandarin language, but back to Mic's questions...

Why am I apologising? -  I think I have caused her to be unnecessarily surprised with my interest in the topic that is presented in Mandarin. I told her my interest is diverse and it's hard for me to explain, thus I felt I should apologise first if the surprise is causing discomfort in her. I tend to believe that if I apologise in advance, then I don't have to worry if I really "hurt" the other person... or at least soften his/her reaction so that I can have the chance to explain if needed to...

Why do I need to be responsible for other people's feeling or reaction? - This is tough to answer. I was asked the same question in one of my conversation with pastors when they noticed I kept saying "sorry" even though I have not done anything wrong. I don't know why I find it easier to say "I'm sorry" than "Excuse me". Something is wrong with me somewhere.

As I pondered on this "apologising" issue, I asked myself:

1. What am I trying to achieve by apologising in advance?
• I am trying to avoid possible conflict, confrontation.
• I am trying to be nice or polite.
• Low self-esteem, or no boundaries/"I'm not important" - identity issue (I learnt this during my counseling sessions)

2. Do I do that to everyone, or certain people? Why?
• I think everyone, well, almost everyone including strangers as far as I can recall.
• When I was an e-hailing driver, I would say "I'm sorry, is this where you want to go?". Or if I wanted to get help, I'd say "I'm sorry, may I know/can you help me...?" Gee... recalling all the "sorry" incident is scary now (what on earth was I thinking back then with all the "sorry"? What happened to "Excuse me"??)
• Err, I think it's also towards people I care about.
• I am fearful of losing the relationships. I have lost many relationships in the past that could have linked to the way I interacted with them, which I think could be due to my wrong tone/choice of words/intention.
• I wanted the relationship to be OK at all time even if we don't interact often, so much so that I became overly sensitive about how they think/feel...
• Suddenly the word "pride" sprang up in my mind. I was too proud to admit my mistakes in the past and it cost me dearly in my relationships. Just the thought of people I lost due to my pride hurts me now. I thank God for 2 years ago that I managed to sincerely apologise to a couple of friends/ex-colleagues. Now and then whenever I am able to find the contact, I will try to apologise but not placing high hope that they will forgive me... well, at least I know I have done my part and I have the peace to move on.

3. What can I do if I feel like "apologising" even though I have not done anything wrong?
• I'll pause and think if I have done anything wrong. Note to self: - no need to apologise unless I have done wrongly. Or practice "silence is golden", probably the safest approach I can think of for now.
• If it's a question, I'll rephrase them politely. Time to use "Excuse me" appropriately.
• I'll just smile and say "Thank you". Or just smile/grin and nod my head. Turning "apology" to "gratitude".
• This needs my Father God's love and help, plus greater self-awareness and practice: I am important just like the others. I have my boundaries too, and I will continue to build healthy boundaries with others. It's OK to be compassionate and caring towards others, but not to the extend of making myself like a "doormat" hence exhausting myself unnecessarily.

I guess I'll stop here for now. I'll post again when this topic pops up in my reflection.

Dear my Father God, please walk with me on this journey of building healthy relationship with people in my life. Please help me to trust You completely that it is Your love to me that my identity is secured in Jesus Christ. I pray that I am always be reminded by the Holy Spirit that I am so loved by You so that I can learn to love others with Your love. In Jesus' name I ask and pray, amen.

SQL

SQL - Structured Query Language (started muttering to myself inaudible words while looking at the computer screen)

My colleague sent me a SQL script to be fixed, and I spent almost 6-hours today trying to solve a seemingly simple logic to place the person's title to their name. You probably wondered what happened, or why did I took such a long time to solve a simple request. In fact, he pointed out the specific section to work on but after I read what the other colleague wrote in the email and a phone call to clarify the actual reporting needed, I know I need to rework on the logic.

Honestly speaking, I have not touched this SQL subject for more than 15 years and my skill is quite bad (not to mention I left IT completely for other industries for 6-7 years... which is another post for another day). I am quite stressed out from thinking how to solve the problem because I have forgotten 90% of the SQL syntax. Haha... my completed coding today looked like I have just attended my 1st SQL lesson in beginners' class, peppered with lots of comments of why I coded it that logic in a particular manner. I must admit, my thinking skill is not as fast and strong as 20 years ago. Even though I still can write out the logical flow on the paper, it's a different matter when it comes to the actual coding. Oh wow... this SQL thing is looking daunting each day to me now...

Both my good friend Mich and my mentor Soo encouraged me to take up courses to pick up the SQL skill again. With this MCO currently in place to combat the COVID-19 pandemic, going for a physical class is not yet possible. I tried to use the online tutorials and I have trouble understanding and relating to what they are trying to teach me. Is this a sign of my age catching up and it is affecting my concentration and understanding? Or there is something deeper inside me that is slowing me down? Mich offered to help me and I thanked God for her as she helped to explain and gave me some ideas how to get started.

Perhaps I am overly anxious to be skilled in SQL again and hence pushing (err... forcing rather) myself to be competent in shortest time possible. My shoulder, upper back and neck pains are back, an obvious sign that I am stressing myself out. I know that despite what my Head of Department told me to learn as much as I can, but me being me (again?!), have set upon myself a very high bar to be achieved. Now I am in 2nd month of my 6-month probation period and the gnawing feeling that I have yet to improve my skill is bothering me. I can sense my old-self of 'performance-orientation', 'I can't fail' and 'I can't let people down' are resurfacing. Oh boy... the pain is unbearable... going to knock off for tonight and I just told my Father God "Help me, please take over the control of my life because I am afraid of crashing again!"

Seeking God's Will

6 Feb 2020

I decided to go on 14-days of fasting and praying to seek Father God's will and direction for my career/vocation. While I will start on the 7th, the evening of 6th is quite eventful by itself. I went on my knees and begin to pray, asking the Lord Jesus' presence to fill the room as I prepare to worship Him. I began to weep, asking for forgiveness from Him for all my sins, iniquity and transgression. I can't sing or play the guitar properly as I sobbed uncontrollably as I declared God's goodness in my life. As the lyrics goes:

All my life You have been faithful

All my life You have been so, so good

With every breath that I am able

I will sing of the goodness of God

Your goodness is running after, it's running after me

Your goodness is running after, it's running after me

With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now

Your goodness is running after, it's running after me*

Indeed it is true, that as I look back in my life, my Father God have never abandon me. There is no lack in my life, though sometimes I couldn't see or feel Him. The vision where I was so loved by Him kept coming back when I think of His goodness. My Father God is good, so so good to me even when I turned my back from Him, when I ran away from Him, when I had believed in the lie that I can't go back to Him. He never let me go, He came and looked for me. He sent His saints to pull me out of my sinful life, and He restored me into His family.

Now, another chapter of my life is coming to an end, and a new chapter is to be written by God. I want to live in His will and for His glory, not by my strength and wisdom like in the past, but by His love alone. As Danielle Bernock wrote in Christianity.com** "Seek to love above all else, and the gifts will find their place because God is love."

My prayer: Dear Father God, please hear Your child's petition and cry for more of Your love, because Your perfect love drives out all fears in me. Only with Your love, Father, that I can live and move and have my being. Let me remember 1 Corinthians 13:1-3, that without Your love, all my efforts will be in vain. Thank you Jesus, my Lord and Saviour, that I can learn from You how to love God, myself and others with Your love. May the Holy Spirit be my guide and teacher always, till I see You face-to-face, amen.

* Song name "The Goodness of God" - Bethel Worship

** https://www.christianity.com/christian-life/what-are-spiritual-gifts-understanding-the-types-and-discovering-yours.html

Foot in the mouth

My feeling for the past few hours can be sum up like this saying: Foot in my mouth.

Shucks... felt teruk case, really hit rock bottom... I want to just lock myself in a cupboard and hide myself away for a long long time, and telling everyone to "leave me alone"... sigh... I forgot the golden rule I have been keeping for so long: keep quiet if you have nothing better to say. I don't know what to say to a friend, and not responding seems rude, too. I ended blurting out something for the sake of saying something to break the silence and now I don't know how my friend feels after seeing my reply, as there is no respond from this friend for a long time.

*knocking my head so hard for being stupid*

My dear friend, I am sorry if my words have offended you.. I won't say anything next time that I think may hurt you. Knowing myself is not eloquent in words, I promise that I will just keep the thoughts to myself and hopefully you won't take me as cold towards you. I hope I am able to express my thought or feeling better, and that tonight I have failed you, please forgive me...

A letter to my grandmother

Dear Ah Po,

I know it's strange for me to write to you, knowing that you can't read English. Come 26th December, it's been 34 years since you left us, and I still missed you dearly. I knew you were sick; aunty told me something about cancer is causing you to sit there and resting most of the time. She told me and my siblings to be quiet so you can rest and sent us to church when there is no school. I learned from my counselors that I have never really grieved over your passing as I was only 8 that year when my mother told me that you will never come home to us.

I don't remember myself crying when I saw the casket that carried your body was placed for the wake service. While the Taoist ritual was conducted, and I just followed all the instructions from the priest, I don't feel anything. When the time has come to leave the house to your final resting place, I remembered walking behind the carriage with father and other relatives while mother stayed behind as she was pregnant with my youngest brother that you will never see nor carry in your loving arms. I watched aunties cried, and uncles' eyes were red. I stood there, watching silently as they lowered the coffin and finally closing the tomb with the earth. When all is done, I came home to a very different atmosphere. You are not there. There are no more smiles and hugs from you for me. I can't feel anything, it was like one part of my life died with you. I guessed that's one of the reasons why I boxed and threw all my emotions out the window and unable to process them properly all these years.

I just want to let you know that now I am crying as I write you this letter. I really, really, really miss you dearly. I wished I can say to you "I love you, Ah Po" and kiss and hug you tightly, and to hear your gentle, loving voice calling my name again. Looking back at the precious old photo where you carried me when I was 2 (or 3?), you looked so proud of me as your eldest grandchild (mother always tells me how you have cared for me since I was a baby, where I grew up and slept in your room till you were sick). I remember running to you and hiding behind you when mother wanted to punish me for being naughty, and you will tell her to stop (eventually I still get the rotan when you were not at home, haha...). I also remember sitting behind your chair, watching your back as you sat there sleeping with the cat on your belly. You never told me to get out of that place, other than when the time for lunch or dinner. That place behind your chair is like a safe place for me, haha...

This year, I finally able to cry and grief for your passing. It was a very sorrowful moment for me, and I hope you are not crying to see me crying. I told my counselors of my sadness and regrets, that I will never be able to see you in the after-life, as you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. Thinking of this fact makes me cry even harder because this separation is eternal. No matter what I do, it will not change this fact... but one thing I will always remember, that you have loved me so dearly as your granddaughter, and that fact will never change. I thank you, Ah Po, for your love for me. I will always remember your love for me. Goodbye Ah Po, I miss you and I love you forever - Your granddaughter, Ah Leng

New Assignment - Mastering Mandarin

I am given an assignment today: mastering my Mandarin language both in spoken and written form. Okay, probably not writing with pen but in typing the characters with the PinYin.

It is very challenging for me honestly. Yes, I did learn a bit of Mandarin back in school, but I skipped the classes because I find it difficult to write (thank God I can write my own name, just not so nice but you still can read it), and running out there with my friends in the school field was far more attractive to me.

Growing up in a Chinese-speaking church helped me with the basic command of this "difficult" language, as I was taught to sing the songs and memorize the scriptures in Mandarin. I had to memorise the Chinese characters by saying or playing the song repeatedly till I can recognize them. My ex-colleague Rac was very amused with my background in languages, with her own words: "I went to Chinese school and prays in English, but you went to Malay school and prays in Mandarin". Well, there is a bit of regret in me for not able to read or write in my own language... and from now on I need to make the effort to officially make Mandarin as my next language I am fluent with, so wish me all the best =)

Looking back...

13 November 2011
Isaiah 6:8 - Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" (NIV)

I looked back into my FB postings recently, and this memory popped up. I actually wondered, why did I post this status back then in 2011? What was I thinking of when Isaiah 6:8 came up, and what was I responding to the Lord about the "send me" part? Looks like I have to do some deep digging into my memory in that year...

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Just about a day ago, I was having a chat over WhatsApp with my two friends on writing down our life stories through journals and blogging. After much hesitation and contemplation, I decided to open up my blogs to them, which I have been keeping it private all these years. Reasons for keeping my blogs private: because I believed that no one will be interested to read it anyway, or probably too shocking for them and I was afraid of being judged, and the worst-case - losing them after they found out the truth about me. Reasons for opening my blogs to them: my heart told me it's OK to be vulnerable to them, that something in my past may be of good use for them too. It was daunting to hang on to the decision of opening the door to my dark past, so I held my breath while wondering and thinking about their responses after reading my posts.

Mic did actually went on to read and "devoured" my blog posts, finding some of my posts quite hilarious to her and then wondered if there are more stories. I can imagine she probably would have LOLROTF (laughed out loud till rolling on the floor) if she is at her home (thank goodness she told me she laughed in her mind as she read them in the train) and amused, as in her own description "Seriously enjoying your blog with all the real emotions expressed in words. Fantastic~". I am amazed at myself now that I actually used words to describe my feelings back then. Finally, she remarked: You MIA 8 years... How you went thru it, I wonder. Yeah, I wondered to myself too... The gap between my last post in 2011 to the one back in October 2019 is exactly 8 years... that is one heck of a long gap, mind you...

And poor Min (gasp!), she probably have to go through hundreds of unread messages that Mic and I exchanged that night as she was busy with some tasks...

I do try to update what happened in my life during that 8 years' gap, mostly in my FB. What do I update in there? Things that I wanted people to see the "nice and dandy" and "glittering" me. Unlike this little space, where I actually will post my real thoughts in here and where I can be my true self, showing all the good and ugly side of me. "8 years.. hiding, running away, suppressing all emotions, denying my own existence, pretended or live as a different person, got into depression and refuse to acknowledge it, cannot differentiate between laughter and tears... I also don't know how I actually went through the 8 years..." was my reply to Mic. I don't dare to post anything that shows the other side of me in the FB; I kept all my dark secrets and moments in my head and did not even post it in here. I believe it is only by God's grace and His relentless love that has kept me alive and not falling further from Him all these years, which, if I have the time, will write it down as my reflections...

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So, coming back to my FB post dated 13 November 2011 on Isaiah 6:8.. gee.. I still cannot think of the reason for the post! I will have to write it down when the thought come..

Hello my blog space, it's been years since I last posted anything here. I feel like I can't talk to anyone.. so typing it out I hope will help me find some answers.

Today, I am feeling very low, defeated. I want to cry, but the tears is not coming out. I feel so useless and stupid. I am angry with myself for not doing things right. I hate this feeling of not able to do simple things right. I believe I am trying too hard to meet others' expectation on me, and it hurts when I am not doing it right. There is a shame in me when the leaders want to bring up certain things that I believe is caused by my thoughts and actions. The fear of punishments and rejections is very bad right now in my heart. Why is it so hard for me to be a good team member? Why am I repeating the same mistakes over and over again? When will I ever learn and not make anymore stupid mistakes? Now I feel like anything I do, it can turn out to be a mistake and a burden to others. I feel like I am only good for really low ranking jobs and not fit to do anything independently. I feel so stuck. I actually feel like dying so that I don't be a burden to anyone, so that they don't have to think or wonder what to do with me. I feel like running away and stay away from everyone so that I don't be a burden to anyone. I don't want to let people down and disappointed with me. Am I back to people pleasing? It sure look and feel like one now. I just want to let people know I can be good in the tasks given to me. I am trying too hard and it pains me when I sense my effort or intention is not good enough or up to my expectation.

I am afraid of losing my job again. I am afraid of my future and finance instability. There are so many things I am afraid of that I have difficulties typing out what is in my head and heart right now. I feel the depression is coming over me, and I am sorry Father God, I just want to cry in Your embrace. Please just let me cry, please? I am so lost right now and I can't think straight or clearly 😭