Alvin & The Chipmunks' song - I'm So Lonely

Hi blog,

It's been 2 years since I write here. It's Deepavali day, and I am supposed to be happy for the break I decided to give to everyone in office.

I'm not sure.. I kept having the thought "I am a follower-less leader" the whole day. I am currently feeling very down, very lonely. There is no one to talk to, other than writing down it here in this small digital space that I can go to.

You see, I am promoted to become the COO. COO, big name and responsibility. I am supposed to be happy and proud of the new post, right? I should be, but I'm not. There is no one in office who are happy to be under me, I can see that. Thinking about that makes me want to cry, and I want to really cry myself to sleep for being a crappy leader.

My team do things in their own group, they don't want me to be in there. There was a time that I found out that they are organising an outing, and I was not asked if I'll be interested to go. I feel like outcast though I call them "my team members". I tried to include them in the activities that I think they may like, and I don't get the same return from them. I feel they don't like me at all, they looked at me with hidden expression. Maybe I shouldn't be in this company anymore, if there is no one who are willing to follow me.

Oh God, I need You to get me out of this misery.. It's bothering me, and I am really sad and lonely, just like the chipmunk's song: I'm So Lonely...

Dear blog

Dear blog,

There are so many things bottling up in myself lately. I was just browsing through my previous entry, and it's been a long time since I last write in here.

That bad feeling, hateful and want-to-quit feeling is back. I just want to scream, but having problem finding a place to do that. I can drive to Sepang, somewhere near the LCCT; there is a pond or lake that you can sit down and watch planes flying.

It's year end, I guess, and the feeling of having to grow up spiritually and mentally is getting heavy on my heart. I don't trust anyone in office anymore. I don't believe the people in my office will understand and seeing the pretentious face sitting there is already enough to make me mad and want to puke.

At this moment, I just felt like sleeping and never get up. My body pain is back, triggered by the exercise led by a self-taught guru. Shouldn't have followed along, stupid me. Being a sportperson for years, I should have just say 'that's insane, doing all the twist and turn without proper understanding of human body'.

Sigh.. fight on or find way out?

Moral Manager

I hate it when people comes to me and complains non-stop over somebody is having bad behaviour and expect me to do something about it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate the person who complains or the person who did the bad behaviour. It's just that been there done that thingy that I hate to revisit. It's a pain, an extreme pain that is.

One person complains to me about the juniors having too long lunch hour, to the extend of exceeded the allocated 1 hour; and they go out in big group. I don't go out for lunch often and I like to dine alone, so I'll normally be back in office within 30 min if the lunch place is a short distance away. So, after too many times hearing the same complains over and over again, I asked the people not to eat lunch too long, or going out in big group and gave the reasons. It backfired, and I was at the receiving end of the stick. I'm labeled "the petty woman" and "the nanny". It hurts. Hurts so badly that I told my boss I want to quit from the company.

That one person who complains don't see it, and even have the guts today to tell me to reflect on my style. What style? That that person's people-style is nobler that mine? I'm OK if that one person wants to be the "moral manager", because I don't like to go through the pain of being ostracised. Let that one person take over and tell the juniors and other team members how to behave, because I dislike to go to the "misbehaved" person and say 'hey please wash your hand after using the toilet' or 'please close your mouth when you cough'.

My dearest sister

For the past few days, I was totally distracted by my sister's marital problem. I have so many things to say here, but I can't write it all.. I'm just too upset and I just want to say it out here.

It all started way in the dating process, when the guy started to "abuse" my sister. How, you might ask. Well, consider this:

1. Whenever my sister refused to speak (coz she don't know what to say to him), he'll pound her non-stop with questions and I can guarantee you it's worst than Malaysian police's integoration on criminal suspect that resulted in the poor Kugan's death.
2. She's having difficulties understanding him whenever he speaks in English. My sister is Chinese educated, and he insisted those who are Chinese educated are dumb and not smart like those receiving English education.
3. He once whacked my sister on her thigh so hard on the pretext of joking that my sister almost cried because of the severe pain!
4. He strangled my sister during an argument in the car to force her to listen to him, in front of my 3/4 years old niece, just because my sister was thinking to stop the argument due to my niece's presence. How idiotic can this guy be? Now my niece is traumaticed by the incident!
5. She's not allowed to work, coz he thinks he have RM3 million in bank and can spend the money well into 3030.
6. Whenever my sister wanted to learn something new, he'll pour "ice water" on her. Yes, ice water, not cold water. His reasoning are just too bitter to swallow if you hear it.

I can go on and on and on.. but I know there's nothing much I can do. She came home to take a break from the abusive argument, and now she made the choice to go back to him though she's given so much advises to take more time to consider this marriage.

I called the counsellors, and told them of my sister's decision. I know we can't help her anymore. If the guy starts to abuse her again, be it mentally or physically, we know we can't step in anymore. I said that to my sister when I drove her back to her husband. I cried when I can sense I'm going to lose my sister, my own dearest sister. I told her to be strong, and to remember Aunt Agnes who is a victim of domestic violence. Home is always ready to welcome her home, no matter what happened.

Oh God.. please protect my sister from the husband's abusive behaviour I pray.. please give her the wisdom to be a good Christian wife and to make her own decision, and to give her strength to defend herself and her decision. Amen.

To quit or not to quit (in 24 hours notice, that is!)

It's almost 7 years in my current job. It's been a lot of ups and downs for me. I learnt a lot; I burnt out a lot; I laughed and cried; I enjoyed and hated, etc.

Somehow I don't enjoy this work anymore. I don't feel the excitement of working with them anymore. I felt so tired. I told my mom about the problem yesterday. All because I refused to answer the phone calls. All fingers points to me and said: You are the leader. You must lead. You lost that chance today. You failed as a leader. I never get the chance to defend myself; I'm always at fault.

Since he said that, I know what is the next best thing to do: resign. There is a saying: A mountain can't have 2 tigers. I can just walk out and leave everything behind. I don't mind. I can work as low-pay labour, but I'll be happy. I don't think the other "tiger" can start over like me. She's a spoilt person, like princess. I know what hardship means. I lived in it before. I watched it with my own eyes. Like my father said, you won't go hungry as long as you are willing to work decently. I can even wash dishes if there's no more work for me.

Seriously, I really want to pursue my other dreams and interests. Sigh.. I really need God's help now..

Dear God, I need Your guidance. Please send me a sign that it's time to go. Amen.

Frustration

I'm really mad and frustrated with her. She don't seems to understand people, or at least she makes me thinks so.

She asked me how to solve a problem, and I told her the solutions. Then she spoke to the person who is handling the project about the solutions, and I thought the other person will do it. Guess what, when I was about to leave, she asked me where is the solution. I went blank, and stunned by her question. She is mad, really a moron. I don't believe my hearing when she asked that question. What? I'm supposed to do it? Didn't she tell the other person about the solution? Aren't the other person supposed to execute the solution? Is she stupid or what? Damn her. I am boiling mad now. Really mad at her statement. I can't leave and have to boot up my pc again. I was really looking for a way to whack her head and tell her: Do it yourself! Then I saw her writing email and I hated the way the email is written. It's the ultimatum that I have to do it now or latest tomorrow. Damn it. Really damn her. No brainer. If she's a blonde, I'll shout at her and say "You are just a damn stupid bitch!".

I need some one to talk to

I need to talk to somebody I trust.

You see, my mom had a major surgery lately. Total Hip Replacement Surgery, to be exact. It's heart-breaking to see my mom lying down there, on the bed, and can't move without help of crutches. I wanted to spend more time with her. I wanted to chat with her, serving her needs, taking care of her like how she took care of me when I was young.

I wanted to tell her I'm always at her side. She can call out to me and I'll rush to her aid anytime, even if I'm sick. You can say my mom is everything to me. But I can't do it now. I'm tied down with my work. I am beginning to hate my work. I'm contemplating resigning from this job and tell my family members to go ahead and start a Christian bookstore. Maybe I'll enjoy the bookstore job more, I don't know. But I don't think God is giving the green-light yet. At least for now, there's no further discussion taking place in my family.

I also have problem at work. I have issue with my colleague. Maybe I'm immature, but honestly I disliked the way this colleague uses my stuff. I bought the bread and eggs with my own money, and this colleague is taking it as though it's bought with the petty cash. I hated the fact that there's no invitation to others to share the food.

I went berserk when I'm told I'm not fit by this colleague. Maybe I am not fit, but at least I don't end up driving into the grass patch after the rafting trip. I have God who gave me that extra ordinary strength that you don't have. I can just slap the plaster on my shoulder and drive from JB to Padang Besar without dozing off. Ok, maybe not that "powderful", but I can bet no one can do it in my company. I'm being informed by my superior that this colleague 'talk down to me', but I can't sense it. Maybe I'm totally numb to my surrounding; I don't know.

Now I received news from my sister: Mom is back in hospital for observation. Her right leg is swollen, maybe from infection or something like that. I'm so upset now, that I can't go to see her right away. I'm tied to this stupid laptop and project, just because I had to make this project a success for the entire team. God, if You are willing, let me go from this company and do what You really want me to do in Your kingdom. If You are willing, let this project be so successful that I can safely tell the team: bye, I'm off to serve God in other area!

I really want to run a Christian bookstore with my siblings. I can serve God in my residential area in this capacity. I can spend more time with my family, and I can try my hand in coaching hockey in PESS again. God, I really missed the things I enjoyed before getting so tied down with my current job. Help me, oh Lord Jesus!

Mission Trip - West Kalimantan

I've just returned from a mission trip to West Kalimantan. It was really an eye opener for me, personally. I don't know what's in the head of other members, but I'm sure have a lot to talk about the trip.

The pastor told us that we are not going to serve God, rather, we are there to seek God. I agreed with her. I have another friend who went to mission trip before and said the same thing to me. She went into mission trip to seek God's plan for her life. I think that's supposed the way anyone who wanted to go for any mission trip.

Honestly, I think I saw and learnt 2 things during the mission trip. First, the people I met throughout the trip. Second, my own team members' attitude. There are so much excitement, amusements and weird things that I saw in them. I snapped 11 rolls of film, and 4 video tapes. I'll be spending this week compiling into CDs the unedited version. Hopefully the edited version for the trip will not exceed 2 CDs (2 hours) and will be ready in 2 weeks time.

I think I'll post my day by day thoughts in a separate posting. It'll be a diary for the trip, and perhaps I will open that postings to public.

Happy Birthday?

I'll be celebrating my birthday soon. I'm not sure if I should allow my colleagues to celebrate it for me. After many years, I don't feel like celebrating my birthdays anymore. Probably I'm still a kid, or maybe I'm single and have no one special to celebrate with. Yeah, family members will be celebrating my birthday though..

I do feel like messaging my colleague and tell her that this year I would like to be left alone from the birthday celebration. I don't know why, but I felt stressed and disorientated. Perhaps distracted, but I can't describe the feeling at the moment. All I know is my shoulder's pain is nagging me.. hrmm.. where's that plaster?

Sigh.. Happy Birthday to me...

Chicken Rice

My mom taught me a simple chicken rice recipe, like the one we see at the claypot chicken rice stall. All we need to do is actually chopping the chicken into smaller pieces, and prepare the ingredients to go with the rice.

Unlike the claypot chicken rice (you need a claypot to cook), we basically dump everything into the rice cooker and let it cook by itself. If your skill is not good enough, you may get half cooked meat, or raw meat with half cooked rice.

I tried to cook the chicken rice today, and I thought the dish is ready for consumption. However, I noticed someone didn't touch the chicken meat at all. I was not happy with the wastage of food. The meat should be left in the rice cooker for slow cooking afterward. When I asked if the chicken meat is uncooked, that person said yes. I don't know if that person is telling the truth.. but the meat on the plate is obviously telling me another story.

Sigh.. I don't think I'll do this dish in the future if the people I'm trying to share the food is not appreciating the effort I've poured out.

Personal thoughts

I'm beginning to feel burnt out from my work. I don't have anyone to tell about my frustration and fear in my work.. It's not a nice feeling, and almost everyday I hear the radio ads telling people to get help from Befrienders, a counselling sort of organisation, for depression, tension and stress.

I should know all these things better. I'm a Christian, though a rather lousy one, but I do know one thing: I should cast all my cares and fears and whatever things in my life to Jesus Christ, for He cares for me.

Now I'm not sure it's all due to lack of sleep or rest, or I'm just being un-me right now. sigh...

Another thing.. I just noticed I can't find Befrienders Malaysia website in Google, but found this instead: The warning signs of suicide. I'm actually displaying one of the possibility? gee.. now that makes me think...